Special Report: Can You Describe Fantasy Football?
Marshawn Lynch-RB- Bills
Bills running back Marshawn Lynch has announced that he will be attending OTA’s sometime soon, probably within a week. “As soon as I get my fill of beer over the next few days, and get that videogame ‘jones’ outta my system, believe me, I’ll be ready to rumble.” Lynch added that he gets ‘more focused and stuff’ after polishing off a frig full of Samuel Adams Summer Pumpkin Ale, and an ‘all-nighter’ of Asteroids.
LeRon McClain-RB- Ravens
LeRon Mcclain’s campaign on Twitter to see more playing time has drawn attention from various camps. Coaches are still laughing at the fact that he calls it ‘tweeter’, and Ray Rice has purchased a 3X T-shirt which McClain is selling, using it as a towel after practices.
LenDale White-RB- Seahawks
Portly Lendale White is the current choice to start at runningback for the Hawks. With Justin Forsett and Julius Jones in the mix Seattle appears to be building a team which might have chances to be sponsored by a local used car dealership, and the local franchise of Dunkin Donuts.
Ben Roethlisberger-QB- Steelers
Ben Roethlisberger, after completely a psychological evaluation this week, could return to Steelers practice within a week. Until then Byron Leftwich is getting a majority of the snaps. Reportedly Big Ben has said that he has given up on gold diggers completely, focusing more on football, and blow up dolls which fit into a carry on.
Sam Hurd reportedly underwent right thumb surgery this week. Hurd was hitchhiking from British Columbia to Dallas when a car full of Steve Slaton fans drove by and threw a rock at his hitching digit. No explanation for why the fans didn’t pick Hurd up and drive him further into Canada.
Tim Hightower has reportedly changed agents from Edward Johnson to Paul Lawrence. “I just like the way Paul talks to me, the way he negotiates, and his hair is just stunning,” Hightower reported to the Arizona Gazette.
St. Louis Rams rookie receiver Mardy Gilyard was robbed at gunpoint near the U Cincinnati campus recently. Gilyard was at the university bookstore to buy extra copies of Guy Kawasaki’s “Reality Check” before they were grabbed by over enthusiastic undergrads. Soon after Gilyard had his own reality check as the thief ran away with all seven copies.
Reports have it that Peyton Manning’s new contract will be somewhere in the ‘100 million dollar neighborhood’. Despite that Manning continues to live in subsidized housing in the most dangerous of Indianapolis when in town to protest the excess indulgence of the ‘uber wealthy’, he says.
Daunte Culpepper is expected to sign with the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions. After that he is expected to drink as much beer as his belly ‘can handle’ insiders report. Culpepper has recently invested in a micro-brew company in Seattle. They make Crummy Hands Ale and Silly Spinning Wrists Hefeweizen.