Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds
BOSTON- In a recently released study by the Fantasy Sports Examination Institute (FSEI) researchers have found that most men would rather win their leagues than make their wildest dreams come true. Conversely, by not winning their championships the shame and stress resulting from not being dominant in their league is worse than having their greatest dreams not come true.
The respondents from a double blind study over a three year period cited the stress from not making the fantasy playoffs was worse than the stress of getting a pay cut, having a wife cheat on them, or having their dreams of success in life come to a screeching halt.
One man from Davis, California said, “If my real dreams don’t come true I can live with that in a way. I’m used to being an average Joe. But god dammit why I didn’t start DeAngelo Williams last week! Now that’s a real killer. I give up - on everything, literally.”
Another man from the Virginia says, “There is no question I can live on this earth without achieving some kind of fantasy life. But never winning my league? Wow, I couldn’t imagine how much that would suck. I’ve gotta find a way to win next year.”
For men who take their fantasy misfortunes too seriously help may be on the way. Psychologists say there are easy ways to improve your team by adhering to deeper principles than most other coaches.
“One of those is the Rule of 370- this can help you avoid backs who will get injured the following season,” said Mary Linton, lead researcher of the study. “You can also be careful with the way you draft split time backs. Both of these tools can help any errant fantasy football coach improve his draft strategy for next year.”
One final way to deal with the stress from fantasy football is to leave the game, and leave your league altogether. Yet despite this clear option not one participant in the study ever did so no matter how hopeless their fantasy football season had become.
“It must be some survival thing,” Linton said. “Evolution has a way of making all of us claw through the impossible. It’s amazing.”
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DENVER- After architects at world famous DOK spent years designing the post-modern sculpted ’signal to the world’ stadium at Denver, fans, players, and coaches are saying it’s ridiculous and impractical. The 120,000 square foot stadium has multiple apexes with watchtowers that look out over Denver middle class suburbia, and a continuous entrance under a tent-like exterior frame. But those close to it are saying it is more of an eyesore than a testament to Denver, and Denver kicker Matt Prater, especially, was hugely depleted.
“Field goals are going to be more difficult, and punts virtually impossible,” Prater angrily said as he confronted the Broncos coaching staff. “You have to kick around almost a 90 degree area of a circle, keeping your kicks low, and even then the ceiling drops to a point where the ball will almost surely be knocked down.”
Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Broncos was none too happy either.
“This is the end of the ‘long bomb’. They’ve stretched the field, curved it, and let me tell you Jabar Gaffney is none too happy either. I apologize on behalf of the Broncos to all fantasy football owners, and especially the fans of Denver,” Tebow said.
But Broncos players weren’t the only ones who were in dismay. Two days ago a letter from all 32 starting kickers in the league was sent to commissioner Roger Goodell, and Broncos owner Pat Bowlen. In they complained of the variable ceiling heights, and curved field, and it’s impact on kickers.
“What we really have here are six putting greens tied to each other by a rental tent,” said Nate Kaeding, kicker for the Chargers. “I will have to play there often, eventually everyone will have to play there, and it’s not good for our stats, and certain devalues kickers in all fantasy formats as well.”
Architects from DOK defended themselves saying the new stadium will take some getting used to, but what it adds to the sophisticated landscape of Denver will more than outweigh ‘any heady kicking issues’.
Tom Paul Thong, Sr. Architect for DOK said, “There’s nothing wrong with this stadium. The fact is it was cheap to build, easy to erect, and has a lifespan of ten years, so if people don’t like what they see they have nothing to worry about. It will crumble automatically in a decade.
Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Dolphins, said the Denver stadium has inspired him to remake his stadium into the shape of an adobe pueblo.
Bill Walsh, Joe Siefert, Mike Shanahan, Mike Holmgren, Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan
IRVINE- A company in Southern California has issued a limited release line of Nesting Dolls featuring some of the great coaches of the West Coast Offense. The set is available for $39.99 plus shipping and handling. To order please fill out the form on this site or contact Fantasy Suprises in Irvine, California for more details. Limit one set per customer, and please specify the History of the West Coast Offense nesting dolls.
DALLAS- It was a scary few hours up in the air flying from Oklahoma City to Dallas. A plane carrying one hundred twenty nine passengers including Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo started having unindentifiable engine trouble about half way through the flight. When both the pilot and first officer passed out drunk from drinking too many little Drambuie bottles, Romo, who was flirting with one of the stewardesses, came to the rescue.
“He said he had never flown a plane before,” lead flight attendant Lily Markham said, “but he was a master in the cockpit. I could tell he felt so at home. Once he stabilized the aircraft I made an announcement that everything was okay.”
Rich Bangers, former accountant at Bears Stearns said, “The coach passengers started going into hysterics when she announced that Tony Romo was flying the plane. People started yelling, I saw several light up cigarettes, a college aged kid pulled out a bong, women were screaming that they would never see the View again, it was just terrible. One man got up and demanded to know if Jessica Simpson was the co-pilot. The flight attendant told him to hold back on the attitude. I never want to go through that madness again.”
Airline officials said that Romo stepped in, and did exactly what was instructed. He eventually got the plane into auto-pilot, and sailed through the air for approximately two hours.
“The challenging part was the approach,” FAA spokesman Kent Graham said. “It’s not that we doubted Tony’s confidence, but many in traffic control left their posts to watch the crash landing. They were told by higher ups there didn’t have to be a crash landing, and several were ordered back to their seats to tell Tony what to do.”
Romo admitted he got some jitters as he neared the runway, but once he saw the bright yellow banners people on the ground had made, ‘Go Romo’, and ‘Nail It’, he felt a lot better. Crowds had gathered around Dallas-Ft. Worth International, and were cheering the quarterback on.
“You know home or away I feel confident, but there’s nothing like a cheering hometown crowd to give you that extra boost. I couldn’t let them down,” Romo said. “I just kept thinking about the big Monday night game we just had too. It got my mind off the immediate stress of having to land an MD-80.”
Romo landed the plane cleanly to a thunder of applause. He walked off the plane like he walked on it. No word on why the Dallas quarterback was in Oklahoma City.
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GAITHERSBURG, MD- A decade ago a Delaware fantasy coach started Skip Hicks of the Washington Redskins, a free agent pick up the week before, and Hicks paid off in spades. Lonnie Avery says that day was really special for his fantasy football team.
“I thought I had discovered gold with Hicks,” Lonnie says, “When Skip rumbled into the end zone three times that day I was walking on air. He gave me a certain confidence about my fantasy skills, and a sense that my team could do anything. .”
Lonnie was so thrilled by his new found power back that he decided to get the player’s face inscribed on his arm.
“At the time I really felt like I ‘wanted to represent’,” Lonnie said.
Lonnie took a friend to the local tattoo parlor, and plastered an image of Hicks over the barbed wire design he had gotten just a few months before. He says at the time the tattoo cost $175, and took eight hours to finish. When he first saw it on his arm he was beaming with pride. Now, ten years later, he has thought twice about the whole decision.
“I might have jumped the gun with Hicks,” Lonnie said. “I never really saw him produce much after that game. I think I started him eight more times after that, and just nothing. It’s easy if you’re green to get excited about your fantasy player when they do well. Now, I know better, but at the time I guess I was like a lot of guys in my league. It was also probably a mistake to get my girlfriend at the time, Bonnie, to get the same tattoo.”
Avery is considering getting both the barbed wire and Hicks tattoo removed, but he says other priorities may derail that plan.
“Well, I have a Patrick Ramsey face inked on my inner thigh which I probably dislike even more, so that is probably the first to go. It’s just all a mess right now,” Lonnie lamented. “I’ve learned my lesson, and hope that by sharing my story I can help other fantasy owners avoid this type of tragedy.”
Avery offered no information on whether ex-girlfriend Bonnie has removed her Skip Hicks etching.
MYRTLE BEACH, SC- In a recent survey pollsters have found that Fantasy Golf is becoming very popular with a certain segment of the American population. Surveyors asked a series of questions to people in 20 different American cities including ‘Do you get excited by certain Hefeweizen beers?’, ‘How much do you like riverboat gambling?’, ‘Do you attend a lot of conventions?’, and ‘Do you like watching grass grow and paint dry?’
The respondents were divided into several categories depending on their responses, and overwhelmingly the Fantasy Golf enthusiasts were also rated ‘people who like really boring things’.
Fantasy Golf has always been known to be popular amongst new immigrants who couldn’t afford to play the real game, but could engage in a distant tangent of an ‘upscale activity’ as part of their American dream. But this recent finding has a whole new set of middle class and affluent Americans playing the game as well, indicating that not only is wanting an upscale lifestyle a motivator, but so is finding the dullest of activities absolutely thrilling.
One man, Tom Smithton, from Raleigh-Durham North Carolina said, “If it wasn’t for Fantasy Golf I’m not sure what I would do. The game is engaging, exciting, and overall - adds a lot of stimulation to my life.” Mr. Smithton, an envelope stuffer, was on his way to a ceramics discussion group at the new Dave and Buster’s when pollsters caught up with him.
Mandy Alstrom who works in Human Resources at a financial services company in Schenectady, New York said outside of enjoying the entire line of Swiffer products, Fantasy Golf has given her a lot to be excited about on a weekly basis.
Other Fantasy Golf lovers in the survey indicated a fascination for youtube videos of cats playing with yarn, domed stadiums, chipotle dressing, rocks, and chain emails with photos and moral lessons which insist that you pass them on for good luck.
TARZANA, CA- After having gone missing for three days Lou Pinderbine tried to convince family and friends that one of his ex-fantasy football wide receivers, David Boston, had violently pulled him off his nature hike into an underground bodega where Boston has purportedly been hiding for the past couple years.
“Being taken hostage by a receiver you dumped into free agency years ago is total hell. You have no idea how strange it was down there,” said Pinderbine, who turned 39 the day he was abducted.
Pinderbine describes the underground tunnel system, which Boston claims to have burrowed single- handedly, as ‘the strangest shrine to David Boston/Salamancan wine cellar you have ever seen.’
“It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just a day trip. In fact it was fairly interesting,” Lou said. “But Boston actually lives down there, and between the lack of adequate facilities, and shavings from his gingko wood carvings it just smelled unbelievably bad.”
Pinderbine said he saw nothing out of the ordinary coming that day, his birthday. He had completely forgotten about ever having Boston on his fantasy roster. After being pulled through a trap door into the subterrean refuge of Boston, Lou said he thought he might never see the light of day again.
“I asked him if I could leave,” Lou said, “but he didn’t acknowledge me, almost seeming bitter as we ate a light dinner of bread and lentil soup. It was like he was trying to prove a very subtle point- to have respected him more when he played. I tried to appease him as we washed dishes, explaining that at the time I thought I had better choices when I dumped him into the free agent pool. He didn’t seem to understand. All I heard was David mumbling surly remarks under his breath.”
Worse still, after Pinderbine convinced Boston to let him go the story of his capture fell on deaf ears with his neighbors, even his family.
“Lou has an active imagination,” his wife Kathy, said. “He always talks about one of his former fantasy team players coming after him. I didn’t believe it- until a friend of ours produced the photograph.”
Jason Belding was along for the hike with Lou, and snapped the photograph just as Pinderbine was being hauled underground. “I was so scared I just ran away”, Belding said. I figured if I told anybody they would think I’m crazy, so I just shut it. When Lou reappeared I breathed a big sigh of relief, and handed my photo over to him.”
“I didn’t appreciate my best friend not telling anyone I was abducted on my birthday, but thank God everything turned out okay,” Pinderbine says. “Jason and I will still be buddies, but I’m never walking through that stretch of forest again.”
Lou is at home resting with his family.
TAMPA- Not understanding he would play no part in the Superbowl, Tampa Bay reserve quarterback Brian Griese offered up his services to helm either the Steelers or the Cardinals in the event they needed a quarterback in the big game. Griese told reporters he was excited the game was in Tampa, and said it would probably be only fair anyway that he got a shot to throw a few balls in the game.
“You never know what’s going to happen. There could be injuries. And I’ll be waiting for the big call,” Griese said. “That’s the advantage of being right here in Tampa during the game. I’m available. If they need me I can help. It’s the kind of man I am- a helpful one. I am suspecting I’ll get at least quarter of play if either team is behind.”
Griese added that his unique style of play, an underhanded throwing style, could be the key to victory for either team.
“Right now I haven’t gotten much feedback from the coaches,” added Griese, “but just wait until things get tough, and I think you’ll see the response to my unique throwing strategy more highly valued. I am already guessing that if Kurt Warner isn’t up to snuff Ken Whisenhunt will be looking for a creative strategy in accomplishing his goals. As I said, I’m available. I think it helps both teams that I’m right here in Tampa. It will make their choice a lot easier when they get to the point where they need a fill-in superstar quarterback.”
Griese said he would prepare for the Superbowl in Lamier Park in Tampa over the next two weeks, throwing balls to his cousin Ernie.
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BALTIMORE- It came as complete shock to Baltimore Ravens veteran wide receiver Derrick Mason when he was being yelled at by the hostess of the ExtenZe infomercials during Friday’s practice. Mason said he was called ‘useless stubby’, ‘midget wiener’, and ‘little pee pee pants’ by the low grade actress/host for the fake male enhancement drug which Mason admits has sold millions.
“I know have my fans and my enemies, but the crude language that came out of that party ho’s mouth was so offensive I felt angry. I was just thinking ‘Oh no you didn’t!’,” Mason told the ailing Baltimore Sun.
Mason refused to yell back at the low self-esteemed hostess, instead staring in disbelief. About a minute into her rant Mason decided the only way to combat the dong crazed female was to play on Sunday even with a knee injury and shoulder problem.
“You know I haven’t really practiced fully all week,” Mason told reporters, “but this chick has made me realize that I have to play. I’m gonna start this Sunday to combat her hate for men like me. Men’s genitalia should never be publicly outed by loose women in the stands before a playoff game. Especially if the date didn’t go that well, and you don’t really care about them in the first place.”
No indications whether the male enhancement hostess will be at Sunday’s playoff game to heckle Mason more. Joe Flacco, the Ravens’ quarterback, and Mason’s friend was unavailable for comment.
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DENVER- Upon being let go from the Denver Broncos Mike Shanahan announced plans to help running backs around the league and athletes of all types improve their ball handling techniques through improved finger nimbleness.
“A big part of holding the rock in football is coarse hands, calluses, even corns,” Shanahan said. “Through improved mobility of the fingers we can achieve tighter grips on the ball for all running backs, and that’s what ‘Shanahands’ is all about.”
The coach said the sports manicure center will feature manicurists who bathe, dip, and scrub every part of an athlete’s rough hand, pushing back cuticle, and trimming unwanted skin and nail. They even have a Palmolive hand jacuzzi for excessive workman like digits.
“When customers leave here we want their hands to feel like a baby’s. Our focus is running back hands, but we also service basketball, baseball, hockey, and golf players,” said general manager Sonny “Daddyfingers” Esperanto. “We don’t care if the athlete or wanna be athlete comes in here with sausage sized fingers with nails the thickness of drywall. After our hot lavender hand spa and kelp relaxation scrubs they’ll walk out of here feeling like they’re ready for the workout of their lives. Get on the field boys you’ve got hot hands!”
Shanahan’s public relations spokesperson said the former Denver coach plans on visiting the twenty locations in the Denver area personally to ensure customer service and quality control is at its finest. As ‘Shanahands’ branches out into other cities Mike will ’stay a little hands off’ the spokesperson said.
“After all he is looking for a new job,” the spokesperson said.
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