TOPEKA, KS- Darren Donalee has won his fantasy football championship twice, each time receiving his league’s championship trophy in the mail. He says he couldn’t be more pleased.
“These are the best testaments to all that I’ve been through,” Darren beamed. “The trophies are just beautiful. One is of a highschool quarterback about to throw the ball, and this year I got a running back running with the ball. They are both truly amazing. I couldn’t be more proud with these works of art.”
“Yeah, they represent his team well,” said David Dyersham, “because they look like pieces of shit.”
Darren’s leaguemates feel like they’ve had the last laugh. When league members anticipated Darren winning the championship they immediately put an order in for the weakest designed trophies they could find.
“We wanted them solid enough that Darren would brag about them, so they were kind of expensive,” said commissioner Renaldo Hastings. “But we picked the absolute worst designs. We knew he would be so proud of them, and meanwhile, believe us we’re having the last laugh. His wife Cindy hates them.”
Commissioner Hastings, as cruel as he might seem, said when Darren doesn’t win in future years the league will order trophies from a far superior online merchant, FantasyTrophies. At this company artisans actually handcraft trophies according to several designs, including custom work, and even trophies for losers.
The crew over at FantasyTrophies makes their designs by hand, and as can be seen in the photo above even the modeling clay used is multi-colored, a technique which most trophy makers shy away from due to its expense and complications.
Clearly every league needs a permanent trophy. The cost is not cheap at FantasyTrophies, but for a permanent pass around trophy from league champion to league champion it is a vital part of any fantasy football league’s annual ritual.
“If you win two years in a row you simply keep the trophy for a second year,” says Dave Mitri, Founder of FantasyTrophies.
One of the greatest trophies for every fantasy football league is ‘The Ultimate Loser’.
“Leagues can gift this to a new person every year, passing it around the league, or if the league wants to permanently give it to one fantasy coach they are welcome to do that as well. That person has to be a really terrible fantasy coach in order to do that. But we all know they’re out there!” said Mitri.
Darren Donalee (pictured at top) still thinks his mass produced trophies are great, but that’s because he doesn’t know any better. Increasingly the fantasy sports world is catching on to a distinct way of celebrating the fantasy championship in every league with the outstanding craftsmanship and art of a true fantasy football trophy, made by true fantasy football fans.
Photos Courtesy of FantasyTrophies.com
WASHINGTON D.C.- Wide receiver of the Washington Redskins, Santana Moss admits that he has really come into his own as a fantasy wide receiver. He told friends over lunch on Thursday that he believes he’ll be the #1 wide receiver this coming year.
“I feel l like fantasy gold,” said Moss, “and I know with the emergence of Jason Campbell I’ll be the first receiver picked in most 09 drafts. Can you feel me baby huh? I am the one to target, not only on the field, but in the fantasy draft in all of y’alls fantasy leagues.”
When word got out to Terrell Owens and Randy Moss that Santana had made these claims each of the two underperforming wide stars chose not to comment.
“Yeah, you see how they’re not disputing my fantasy stardom? That’s because they know what time it is. It’s Santana time,” the Redskins receiver said as he ate chips in his living room. “Yeah, my time has come. Gold is good right now, and Santana is some gold on the rise.”
Antwaan Randle El refused phone calls from reporters.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
DENVER- Falcons placekicker admitted to reporters last week that he came into this world backwards and the doctors didn’t know whether to make heads or tails of him. His head, completely functional with wide smile has been situated on his neck in reverse since he arrived on earth. Jason Elam is a backwards male, and now he’s speaking out.
“Sure I got teased a bit for being special,” Elam said of his childhood, “but once I showed my athletic prowess I went from being bullied all the time to getting a lot of hot dates.”
Elam grew up in back country Florida where he didn’t know he was ‘different’ from any of the other kids. But as teenager, and a naturally gifted athlete, Elam realized he had special talents when he took off with the Florida State Middle School records in the reverse 100m scramble and the 50 yard crabwalk.
In high school, Elam tried all sorts of sports, but found his calling in a position on the football field that is often required to set the opposing team back many yards, or to turn the possession in another direction. As a kicker, his high school coaches had to work hard on Elam to get him to kick with the front of his foot.
“Jason was always a gifted kicker, but getting him pointed in the right direction was always a challenge,” said former coach Mike Shanahan.
Considered a bumpkin by his Falcons teammates, they often laugh at their oddball kicker. But Elam takes it all in stride as he chuckles in return at mates “Tam” [Matt Ryan, Falcons' sensational Rookie QB], or “Renrut” [Michael Turner].
“The guy is strange, but kind of fun too, and he’s a good kicker,” said return-man Harry Douglas, “It’s like he’s from some other planet - I learn a lot from him. Like ‘Dik-kinits-ooye’, he’s a riot sometimes.”
Elam published his first book in January 2008, titled “Monday Night Jihad”. The book is an action-adventure tale about football, and an attempt to stop a terrorist plot. You can read more about it here: http://www.mondaynightjihad.com/
Contributed by T.D. Reamon
PITTSBURGH- After receiving his walking papers from Pittsburgh and subsequently joining the Indianapolis Colts Najeh Davenport called up his business manager Les Doola to inquire about helping the people of Indianapolis. Doola and Davenport decided the best way for Najeh to assist the Indianoplis community was through hiring locals to assist in his manure based mulching business.
“It’s winter now, and most people have mulched so we aren’t hiring a lot right now,” Doola said. “But come springtime I think Najeh will have more than enough mulch to spread around the citizens of this great city.”
Davenport’s business, ‘Where’s The Manure?’, plans on hiring twelve college aged men to spread fertilized mulch over lawns across the greater Indianapolis area.
“The mulch is 100 percent organic and our team will be sporting dark brown caps so you can’t miss em. We’ll be out in the community restoring lawns, shrubs, and trees with our patented blend of nutrition rich ingredients,” Doola told the local paper. “We look forward to working with this local community to employ people, offer them lunch breaks, and provide health insurance. It’s Najeh’s way of saying ‘hello’ to this new community.”
Since the mulch is manure based reporters inquired about the source of the base compound to which Davenport replied, “Don’t worry about that. I’ve got that taken care of.”
Davenport will wear the number 2 for the Colts the rest of the season.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
DALLAS- After beating the wayward New York Giants on Sunday owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, told reporters he is releasing his long time held family recipe for clam dip. Jones said he was eating the dip with friends in his luxury box right as Tashard Choice ran over 35 yards for a touchdown. The owner said he wanted America to share in his joy.
“It’s a tremendous clam dip,” Jones told awaiting media. “My mother used to make it for me when I was a kid, and we enjoyed it all through the game. Listen America, you’ve gotta make this stuff for yourself. In bad times sour cream and clam sauce will fill you up, and keep you satisfied during the game. It’s a Cowboys tradition and we hope football fans everywhere will enjoy it as well.”
Reporters hammered the Cowboys owner with questions about the dip’s secrecy. Jones said up until now he was hesitant to release the ingredients despite repeated requests from Dallas fans because he wanted to make sure ‘people could handle it.’
“It’s a brain teaser, and not simple to make. I was awaiting a critical moment to release this concoction, and now I feel the time is right. It’s a damn good recipe,” Jones said defensively. “I just wanted people to really appreciate it, and frankly unless there is a mass movement for this dip people might overlook it.”
Jones refused to discuss the troubles he was having with a cost overrun on the new stadium he is building for the Cowboys, turning the questions around to reflect his love for the clam dip recipe.
“I know a lot of you are wondering about my troubles with the new construction, but I can assure you this clam dip will be available throughout the stadium when it’s finished,” Jones said. “I just love the stuff myself, and know it will sell well.”
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
Chicken Cacciatore may be the envy of the food world, but this weekend it worked as a poor excuse for veteran referee Stan Reamer to defecate on the field during the Texans game. Reamer, who is known for his ‘untimely sense of humor’ said he was tired of being hassled by Texans players, and had to go really bad.
“A lot of people out there may not understand what I was doing,” Reamer said. “But a lot of people are pretty uptight for starters, and maybe don’t have the best sense of humor in the world.”
Reamer has complained for months that referees only have limited windows in which to rush to the bathrooms inside the stadium. He has petitioned for ‘Johnny On The Spots’ for sometime, but league officials have never taken his requests too seriously.
“Well, now the whole world has something to think about,” Reamer beamed. “And you can be assured that referees are humans too. Sometimes we have to go. And if you still don’t believe it just as the Texans, or go out there to the field. It’s not pretty believe me.”
Reamer has been suspended for three games until officiating crews can decide how exactly to deal with the veteran effectively. They will also determine what to do with the problem of referee toilets.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds
BOSTON- In a recently released study by the Fantasy Sports Examination Institute (FSEI) researchers have found that most men would rather win their leagues than make their wildest dreams come true. Conversely, by not winning their championships the shame and stress resulting from not being dominant in their league is worse than having their greatest dreams not come true.
The respondents from a double blind study over a three year period cited the stress from not making the fantasy playoffs was worse than the stress of getting a pay cut, having a wife cheat on them, or having their dreams of success in life come to a screeching halt.
One man from Davis, California said, “If my real dreams don’t come true I can live with that in a way. I’m used to being an average Joe. But god dammit why I didn’t start DeAngelo Williams last week! Now that’s a real killer. I give up - on everything, literally.”
Another man from the Virginia says, “There is no question I can live on this earth without achieving some kind of fantasy life. But never winning my league? Wow, I couldn’t imagine how much that would suck. I’ve gotta find a way to win next year.”
For men who take their fantasy misfortunes too seriously help may be on the way. Psychologists say there are easy ways to improve your team by adhering to deeper principles than most other coaches.
“One of those is the Rule of 370- this can help you avoid backs who will get injured the following season,” said Mary Linton, lead researcher of the study. “You can also be careful with the way you draft split time backs. Both of these tools can help any errant fantasy football coach improve his draft strategy for next year.”
One final way to deal with the stress from fantasy football is to leave the game, and leave your league altogether. Yet despite this clear option not one participant in the study ever did so no matter how hopeless their fantasy football season had become.
“It must be some survival thing,” Linton said. “Evolution has a way of making all of us claw through the impossible. It’s amazing.”
Photo Provided By T.D. Reamon
DETROIT- “I will run mad on Minnesota without the ‘Williams Wall’, and make touchdowns all day, but I did not direct that slacker crap,” Detroit running back Kevin Smith told local reporter Karen Foster of KWGU in Detroit. “I worked in a bowling alley, at McDonald’s, and as a longshoreman on Lake Michigan but I have never directed a film,” the mid tier fantasy back insisted. “Why don’t you believe me?”
Foster said her research revealed Smith to be a much heralded director of the cult classic, and pressed Smith several times on the issue. Smith later told Detroit Free Press sports reporter Riley Vandenbosch he didn’t appreciate being ‘interrogated’ on this issue.
“I thought our interview was going to be about football, and Foster wanted to keep talking about this ‘Clerks’. I really barely even remember that movie. I think some friends of mine made me watch it when it first came out, but honestly I don’t even remember the damn thing,” Kevin complained.
Smith reiterated to Detroit’s Vandenbosch his excitement about running against a Minnesota run defense which will be without the services of both Pat and Kevin Williams this week. He anticipates receiving a lot of carries, and intends to take advantage of this hole in the Vikings’ defense. He feels badly he said, about how the Lions have performed this year, but has high hopes for next season.
Vandenbosch noted in his article that as Smith hastily departed from the interview he left a storyboard, viewfinder, and black beret behind.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
CINCINNATI- News from inside Carson Palmer’s inner circle suggests the battered and much maligned quarterback is considering changing his name to improve the Bengals’ chances of winning the Superbowl next year. Friends say Palmer realized last Saturday that his ’soft’ first name doesn’t help his leadership in the locker room, or on the field. He told friends that he is considering a tougher name to ‘engender the kind of discipline and winning spirit we need on this team’.
“He knows darn well it’s really tough to respect a leader named Carson”, long time friend Rocky Smith said. “And he blames the Bengals’ dismal season mostly on this fact. He never liked his name, and it’s understandable. When you say Carson you think wussy boy.”
Detractors feel that Palmer shouldn’t adopt a new moniker citing the all time wussy boy name, Peyton, as in Peyton Manning, and his success.
“It doesn’t matter,” Palmer’s agent said recently. “Sure some guys have wussy boy names and can lead a team. But I think Carson knows that guys just can’t stand his name, and won’t follow his lead as long as he has it. It’s that simple.”
Palmer has wittled the field down to Vince and Eddie for now, leaning towards Eddie in recent days. He says he will make his decision in the off season. Bengals are hopeful that this will counter the Chad Ocho Cinco embarassment which hurt team morale, and create a new winning environment for the Bengals.
One fan, Drake Breakstone said, “I think he’s doing the right thing. We need something to mix things up around here, and without coaching, good draft picks, a decent schedule, and a team in disarray this might just be the ticket. I’m all for ready for Eddie.”
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
CLEVELAND- In a disappointing season after being acquired as a free agent by the Cleveland Browns, wide receiver Donte Stallworth and his agent announced that Donte will leave the organization next year to pursue ‘free lance businesses’, including opening a pet store and driving a taxicab in the New Orleans area.
“I have always loved pet stores and taxicabs,” Stallworth said, “And now that I really suck at football I think it’s high time I spend my life doing what I love most - that is, being around taxicabs and pet stores, pets, and cabs.”
Those close to Stallworth say the receiver was furious when long time rival Syndric Steptoe surpassed him on the depth chart at wide receiver.
“That made his decision final,” said Jamal Lewis who will take fifty percent ownership of the pet store, PetMeNow, which Stallworth has started. “Donte has been thinking about shifting his career track for a long time, and it’s good to see he has finally dropped the hammer on football.”
Stallworth’s feud with Steptoe has been a drama inside the locker room for months. But with Donte’s departure Mr. Steptoe feels he will have a chance to perform at the highest level.
“When we were in the middle of games Donte would always be talking about how much he liked taxicabs, and frankly it was distracting. I’m trying to concentrate on my routes, and he’s jabbering in my ear all game about the fare meters and lighted signs he sees online and at trade shows,” Steptoe confided in a recent interview. “I’m so glad he is off to pursue what he loves most.”
Stallworth’s agent said the receiver has recently purchased a Smart car and minivan, both of which will form the core of his new hired car business in the lower ninth ward. His girlfriend Bonita is seeing other men.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI