Travis Henry has been suspended by the NFL for a minimum of one season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Henry tested positive for marijuana in June after having trouble with the substance last year as well. So much talent wasted indeed, but Henry says he is relatively excited about the suspension. He plans on attending Fall Phish concerts, getting some tie dying done, and buying a new bong.
Veteran running back Fred Taylor of the Jacksonville Jaguars was arrested early Saturday morning outside a Miami Beach nightclub, Club Cristal, and charged with disorderly conduct. According to Detective Juan Sanchez of the Miami Beach Police Department Taylor caused a problem in the bar when he got into an argument with bartenders over the ingredients of his favorite drink, the ‘Maurice Jones-Drew’. More on this as its updated.
Rudi Johnson has been cut by the Cincinnati Bengals after suffering from a lingering hamstring problem. One of the most consistent running backs in the NFL three years in a row, and a solid back for fantasy players, Johnson now joins Shaun Alexander in the unemployment line. Two years ago it would have been inconceivable that these two great backs would not be playing today. If neither finds any work playing football this season they are always welcome to join the rest of us in fantasyland.
Jesse Chatman will return September 29 after being suspended for four games for violating the NFL’s Policy on Steroids and Related Substances. Kevin Faulk has also had some trouble in this area, and the two running backs are having tea later tomorrow afternoon. They plan to discuss how they will avoid these substances in the future, what led them to using them in the first place, and what makes a cup of chamomile just so good.
A bit irked that he has not been invited to dance by several NFL teams Daunte Culpepper has written a letter to the NFL community explaining his desires with regards to the NFL. Culpepper is acting without an agent, and NFL teams are not seeming to understand what he wants or where he is coming from. Daunte states in his letter, “I would like to be a starting NFL quarterback, and if not that I am okay with being a veteran backup. But either way I want as much money as I can get, and lots of cookies.” I think it’s safe to say we understand why NFL teams have balked at his past negotiations with them.
“We were excited. I knew Tony and Paul, but had never met the other league members including Josh Grinder,” commissioner Chris Simon said. “When we finally arrived at Josh’s place we were pretty much bummed.”
Grinder had assured his league by phone that he would gladly host them for the whole weekend, and that there would be ‘plenty of good times’ at the draft.
“But I should have known something was up,” Simon continued. “When he asked us to bring water I got suspicious. And we could never get a hold of him. He said his computer wasn’t working, and whenever we did speak by phone it always sounded like he was at a gas station or something.”
When the league arrived at Grinder’s address they thought they had gotten the directions wrong.
All they saw was a one room shack nestled against a grass covered incline.
“Then he started hollering for us to come inside - that’s when reality sank in,” Mr. Simon lamented.
As league members entered the small hovel single file they filled the room instantly. One member, Phil Beason, reported gettings cramps after being squeezed against a metal washtub in the corner. Another complained of the ‘rank beaver hide smell’.
As the draft began several league members had trouble seeing their cheat sheets, but reported that the light coming in from the roof when the clouds moved had ‘helped’.
“It was really challenging,” Simon said. “There was no television, no internet connection, and when our laptops ran out of battery power, there was only a chalkboard to help keep track of our draft. Josh didn’t have any chalk, so we resorted to a pile of charcoal that was laying at the side of the house.”
Simon continued, “At the halfway point Josh said we should take a break. But a lot of the guys in the league aren’t used to catching their own draft snacks. Some needed restroom facilities, and got lost when hiking through the woods to a creek over a half mile away. It was just a mess.”
Fours hours in the shack meant that members of the Tom Landry league gladly drank a lot of the moonshine which Grinder passed around in jugs.
“It sure took the edge off,” Simon admitted, “After awhile we started talking about how we should do it at Josh’s place again next year.”