AL DAVIS TELLS IT STRAIGHT ABOUT KIFFIN

There’s nobody like this guy. A real character.

Terrell Owens-WR-Cowboys

According to sources Terrell Owens has spoken with Tony Romo about his role in the Cowboys’ offense.  Although he did not speak to reporters word has it that Owens insisted he get more deep passes thrown his way, or he would quit the team.  An emotional Owens then ripped off Romo’s jersey, and told him that he couldn’t be quarterback unless he passed to him [Owens] more.  Insiders say this is expected to continue until Owens get more passes thrown his way.

Kevin Smith-RB-Lions

Rookie Kevin Smith has been replaced by Rudi Johnson as the Lions’ starting running back.  Smith told reporters that he feels slighted, ‘not getting the chance’ to prove himself, and that he could make as many plays as anybody on the offense.  Smith also claimed he was a good leader, citing foreign policy experience, and an understanding of core economic issues.  No word from coaches on what they thought of Smith’s rant.

Willis McGahee-RB-Ravens

Willis McGahee left Monday’s game with an apparent chest injury, and was taken off the field on a cart.  While riding towards the locker room McGahee said, “When I am on this cart, it is like I am free.  I like the movement, seeing the crowd pass on by, I have perspective.   The wind blowing through my hair cleanses my soul, and refreshes me.”  We think Willis should be okay.

CHAD PENNINGTON: HE IS NOT MY BROTHER!

MIAMI- Dolphins quarterback Chad Pennington has had his share of frustrations since starting in the NFL, but none so worrisome as having to repeatedly deny he is the younger brother of Ty Pennington, host of ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

“I like what he does. I like that he helps people. I really have nothing against him, but we are not related, and by gosh, I did not get any hand me downs from that dude,” Pennington insisted to a group of media assembled at Dolphin Stadium.

The exasperated quarterback said he was tired of fans approaching him, and congratulating him on ‘the show’. He said he has never helped anyone with kitchen remodelling, and wouldn’t even know how to add another floor to a house. He also confessed he was tired of autographing Sears Craftsman tools.

“I want people to know who I am. I’m a touchdown machine, not a feel good carpenter. I don’t own many tools, I don’t fix homes, and I don’t hold designers in my arms while they cry about how meaningful their work is,” the defensive Pennington said. “If I was that guy’s brother don’t you think I would be making more smug contractor jokes? I don’t even wear denim. I mean c’mon.”

Some reporters in the throng seemed skeptical of Chad, a few holding out circular saws, and wood planars they intended the Dolphin quarterback to sign. Sensing he wasn’t making his case the oft dropped fantasy quarterback headed for the locker room.

“Chad’s having a tough time with this,” said coach Tony Sparano. “But I have to say, I wish Chad would make my son a wheelbarrow. He’s always wanted one.”

Ty Pennington still insists that Chad is his brother.

Linehan Agrees To Joint Car Wash Venture With Brian Billick

ST. LOUIS- Suffering Rams head coach Scott Linehan (0-4) met with Brian Billick after the Rams’ defeat by Buffalo on Sunday to finalize an agreement that would place Linehan as the head manager of the St. Louis branch of Billick’s Clean ‘N Go car wash chain. Linehan will manage four possibly five people at the South St. Louis location, overseeing customer intake, hose spraying, waxing, and rag drying.

Linehan said, “It’s a pleasure to become part of the Clean ‘N Go family. I have always enjoyed clean cars. You could almost say it’s a passion. Brian has offered me an opportunity, and I’m seizing it. Coaching the Rams has been fun, but I have to go where my heart takes me - soap and water.”

Billick said although he was disappointed that Denny Green and Matt Millen turned down his multiple offers for the post now held by Linehan, he is ‘fairly happy’ to have the uninspired Rams coach helping out.

“Scott’s alright you know. He’s a good guy. He’s a little inept, but a real trooper. He’ll start out like everyone washing cars, and if everything goes well with that, we’ll try and get him on the cash register. Oh yeah, and he’ll ‘manage’ everybody. He he. I appointed him ‘Head People Person’,” Billick announced.

Linehan seemed excited about his new career telling eager reporters he plans to scrub the cars really hard, and manage all the people ‘real good’. No comment from his players about Linehan’s new post.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Giants Tailgate….

Felix Jones-RB-Cowboys

Running back Felix Jones did not have a reception in the Cowboys loss on Sunday. Jones said after the game he thought this might be because the other players were jealous of his car wraps.

Weekend News Breaker: Jake Plummer Quits His Fantasy Football League

 

DURANGO, CO - Jake Plummer, abruptly and without notice, stormed out of his fantasy football contest in the Alge Crumpler League on Sunday, leaving other owners in his league without an answer, and a hole in their team schedules. The walk out took place right after the early game on Sunday after Plummer saw his starting QB, Kurt Warner, throw an interception. Other owners in the league were not amused by this latest in a series of temperamental moves from Plummer, the once borderline #2 fantasy signal caller.

“Frankly, we’ve come to expect this kind of erratic behavior from Jake,” noted league commissioner Dixon Klitgaard, “One time in between the second game and the Sunday night game we all gave him money to make a beer and KFC run. The dude comes back 90 minutes later with about 100 lottery scratch-offs. Just not cool, you know?”

Plummer denies any wrongdoing saying he had told his league he could only watch one game.

“Look I’m just not feeling it like I did a couple of years ago,” Jake said. “Plus, I have to spend time with my girlfriend too. Next week we’re going to see the stage production of High School Musical. How cool is that?”

When asked if he quit because of his impending 1-3 record Plummer replied, ‘This interview is over’.

Jake’s girlfriend could not be reached for comment.

The traveling theater company of High School Musical will be playing in Denver from Oct. 2-4, and in Phoenix on Oct. 13-15.

by Contributing Writer D. Hadani
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

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