Terry Tate Again! Watch Out Sarah!

Carnell Williams-RB-Buccaneers

Carnell “Cadillac” Williams is back to practicing, but some argue that is he favoring his left knee. Others argue that he should drop the moniker of Cadillac until he comes back and becomes a fantasy star. Still other argue he should have never had that name at all since entering the NFL. Most of the latter group are fantasy owners who have owned “Cadillac” at all the wrong times. In other words, most of the time he has been in the NFL.

Great Disparity In Fantasy Skills Found In Local League

ATLANTA- Everyone certainly hopes they’ll have a great fantasy football team at the start of the season, but few it turns out can really expect that. One league in Stone Mountain, Georgia proves this out well. While some of the members are already bummed out at their performances others feel quite confident about their fantasy play. This had led to a quite emotional reaction to the season by both sides.

Says Todd Kinderbine, “I just can’t believe how good I am! It’s like I’m a Plague taking over this league man! I get all the best free agents, know exactly who to start in my lineup each week, and love my players. I’m awesome man!”

Others in the league don’t feel exactly the same way.

Billy Joe Wong feels the season has been tough. He is still excited about his prospects, but has lost several games by only a few points, has had multiple injuries on his team, and feels his league is tougher than ever.

“I used to be king in this league,” Billy Joe notes. “It was never a problem making it to the Superbowl. I always had those constant division wins, and scored high and so forth. But now, since there’s so much open information, which I like by the way, everyone is just competing at a very high level. So, I hope to get to the post-season, but frankly I don’t know. I’m still waiting to see if Daunte comes into the league. I have his jersey.”

Still others like Donnie Goldfeld feel the whole season is a screw job.

“I don’t know what to say you know. I picked the very best players I could in the draft, and have done all the right things. It’s just luck I guess which dictates this game. My skill level is excellent, but I’ve been on the bad end of the stick when it comes to being lucky. That’s the only difference between me and the league leader,” Goldfeld lamented as he tried to straighten his hair.

Goldfeld picked Jerious Norwood hoping he would eventually supplant Michael Turner either by injury or skill. But it hasn’t worked out. He has kept the speedy running back on his roster the whole season, and now feels that ever starting him is a distant hope. With Greg Camarillo, Tory Holt, and Darren McFadden on his roster as well Donnie is beginning to feel hopeless, but he says, through no fault of his own.

“Yeah I mean, I did what I was supposed to do. Again, it’s just the luck of the draw. I’m telling you man. It’s not me,” said Goldfeld.

Meanwhile the smug overtures of Todd Kinderbine are not amusing Goldfeld or Billy Joe Wong in the least. Kinderbine keeps telling his league mates how good he is, and the two struggling coaches say they just don’t need that.

“It’s kind of bs when you have done so much for your team and along comes someone like Kinderbine. He thinks he knows more about the game, but he’s wrong. I know I do, but until Daunte comes back it’s going to be a tough season for me,” said the despondent Wong.

Steven Jackson-RB-Rams

Steven Jackson was vague about his status for this week’s game. When asked if he would be ready to play he said he thinks he might be able to, and also might not be able to. He added that there are known “knowns” and also known “unknowns”, explaining that there might also be unknown “knowns” and even unknown “unknowns”. He also said he likes penguins. Rams officials said they will know more by the end of the week. Hopefully.

Vick Not Allowed To Enter Plea By Videoconference

Tarvaris Jackson-QB-Vikings

Tarvaris Jackson was seen lingering outside of a 7-11 store eating cookies. He had purchased Fig Newtons and finished his way through the pack, and then ate some frosted oatmeal cookies. When he was half way done with those is when he opened a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milanos. More on this as its updated via the store’s security camera.

Santonio Holmes Says Weed Should Be Legalized

PITTSBURGH- Citing no guilty feelings for being found in possession of several marijuana “cigars” Santonio Holmes told reporters Wednesday afternoon that marijuana should be legalized, and that he should not have been suspended for any games just because he likes to relax.

“You know former President Jimmy Carter was in favor of legalizing weed for personal use. And I stand by him on that. Alcohol is more dangerous than pot. Why should smoking a plant be likened to a crime? I’ll tell you why. Because the government isn’t making any money on it. That’s why. The NFL needs to wise up, and realize that puffin’ jay, and being good on the field go hand in hand.”

Holmes, who makes no apologies for ‘loving his Mother Earth’, went on to say that marijuana is part of our culture, and that it’s no big deal. Cheech and Chong movies he said are an example of that otherwise they wouldn’t be so popular. Beavis and Butthead are another pop culture representation of the popularity of the plant he said, and everyone loves ‘those two nutty buffoons’.

Santonio also referenced indigenous peoples around the world who smoke some kind of plant in order to come to a higher plane.

“As long as I have to accomplish these superhuman feats on the field I will be smoking something,” Holmes said. “You can’t raise yourself into a karmic state of mind without some higher order in to attain to. Reefer helps me do that. I hope I don’t have to move to New Mexico to continue this lifestyle.”

No comment from anyone on whether this story is true.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Leonard Weaver-RB-Seahawks

After a smashing game with two touchdowns silent Leonard Weaver is being criticized by fellow running backs Julius Jones and Maurice Morris for being a ‘ball hog’. Morris and Jones feel that Leonard is getting greedy in games, and insiders say the running duo wants to limit his participation in practice by tying his shoes together so that ‘he can’t run so good’. No word from coach Holmgren on this pettiness.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh-WR-Bengals

T.J. Houshmandzadeh, on pace for 108 catches feels that the Bengals can win two games this year. This, he said, as long as Chad Johnson sort of ’stays away from the ball’, and Carson Palmer continues to ’stay off the field’. It’s funny how good energy can flow through a team when it’s winning.

EAGLES SUCCESS SPURRED ON BY SWITCHING SOUPS

PHILADELPHIA- From 2000 to 2004 the Philadelphia Eagles won the NFC Eastern division four times, appeared in four NFC Championship Games, and even took a trip to the Super Bowl. They were the class of the conference and were widely considered the second best team in the entire league behind the New England Patriots.

Since then, the Eagles have fallen on hard times. They have had only one playoff appearance in the last three seasons and have been riddled with injuries week in and week out.

During the off-season, management met with the players in an effort to determine what could possibly be done to bring back the success that they once had. After hours of deliberation, one idea stood out above all others: switch soups.

Donovan McNabb, their veteran signal caller, was the first to propose the wild idea. During their winning stretch they feasted on Campbell’s Chunky Soup to bulk up for games and keep themselves warm during the frigid Pennsylvanian winters. Soon, Chunky Soup became their form of Gatorade, and they would stock five-gallon coolers with the steaming substance to maintain their stamina. Mama McNabb was hired on to operate the team’s very own Chunky Soup Station before, during, and after the games.

Little did they know that their Chunky Soup obsession would soon become their demise. The chunkier the soup got, the chunkier the players grew. The extra weight led to stress injuries and a loss of mobility, especially for McNabb. Doctors discovered in October of 2005 that his arms and legs were becoming weighed down by the sheer volume of potatoes that he was consuming in the Chunky Soup. The doctors warned him that he was running a high risk of experiencing Potato Fatigue, but he didn’t listen, and midway through the season he went into Tuber Shock.

So, the decision was made by management and the players that they would have to switch to a soup with more broth and less meat and potatoes. In the ensuing weeks, several players (including RB Brian Westbrook) went into withdrawal and had to be hospitalized after trying to smuggle in Chunky Soup along with the laundry.

But the Eagles appear to have recovered, and their 4-3 record, despite placing them in last place in their division, seems to indicate that they are well on the road to recovery. Other teams have followed suit, adding more broth to their team meals. Whether they make it to the Super Bowl or not, their switch from Campbell’s Chunky has to be considered a “Souper” decision.

by Contributing Writer Doug Walters
www.thefootballprofessor.com

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

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