Bill Walsh, Joe Siefert, Mike Shanahan, Mike Holmgren, Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan
IRVINE- A company in Southern California has issued a limited release line of Nesting Dolls featuring some of the great coaches of the West Coast Offense. The set is available for $39.99 plus shipping and handling. To order please fill out the form on this site or contact Fantasy Suprises in Irvine, California for more details. Limit one set per customer, and please specify the History of the West Coast Offense nesting dolls.
DALLAS- It was a scary few hours up in the air flying from Oklahoma City to Dallas. A plane carrying one hundred twenty nine passengers including Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo started having unindentifiable engine trouble about half way through the flight. When both the pilot and first officer passed out drunk from drinking too many little Drambuie bottles, Romo, who was flirting with one of the stewardesses, came to the rescue.
“He said he had never flown a plane before,” lead flight attendant Lily Markham said, “but he was a master in the cockpit. I could tell he felt so at home. Once he stabilized the aircraft I made an announcement that everything was okay.”
Rich Bangers, former accountant at Bears Stearns said, “The coach passengers started going into hysterics when she announced that Tony Romo was flying the plane. People started yelling, I saw several light up cigarettes, a college aged kid pulled out a bong, women were screaming that they would never see the View again, it was just terrible. One man got up and demanded to know if Jessica Simpson was the co-pilot. The flight attendant told him to hold back on the attitude. I never want to go through that madness again.”
Airline officials said that Romo stepped in, and did exactly what was instructed. He eventually got the plane into auto-pilot, and sailed through the air for approximately two hours.
“The challenging part was the approach,” FAA spokesman Kent Graham said. “It’s not that we doubted Tony’s confidence, but many in traffic control left their posts to watch the crash landing. They were told by higher ups there didn’t have to be a crash landing, and several were ordered back to their seats to tell Tony what to do.”
Romo admitted he got some jitters as he neared the runway, but once he saw the bright yellow banners people on the ground had made, ‘Go Romo’, and ‘Nail It’, he felt a lot better. Crowds had gathered around Dallas-Ft. Worth International, and were cheering the quarterback on.
“You know home or away I feel confident, but there’s nothing like a cheering hometown crowd to give you that extra boost. I couldn’t let them down,” Romo said. “I just kept thinking about the big Monday night game we just had too. It got my mind off the immediate stress of having to land an MD-80.”
Romo landed the plane cleanly to a thunder of applause. He walked off the plane like he walked on it. No word on why the Dallas quarterback was in Oklahoma City.
Photo Courtesy of Icon SMI
GAITHERSBURG, MD- A decade ago a Delaware fantasy coach started Skip Hicks of the Washington Redskins, a free agent pick up the week before, and Hicks paid off in spades. Lonnie Avery says that day was really special for his fantasy football team.
“I thought I had discovered gold with Hicks,” Lonnie says, “When Skip rumbled into the end zone three times that day I was walking on air. He gave me a certain confidence about my fantasy skills, and a sense that my team could do anything. .”
Lonnie was so thrilled by his new found power back that he decided to get the player’s face inscribed on his arm.
“At the time I really felt like I ‘wanted to represent’,” Lonnie said.
Lonnie took a friend to the local tattoo parlor, and plastered an image of Hicks over the barbed wire design he had gotten just a few months before. He says at the time the tattoo cost $175, and took eight hours to finish. When he first saw it on his arm he was beaming with pride. Now, ten years later, he has thought twice about the whole decision.
“I might have jumped the gun with Hicks,” Lonnie said. “I never really saw him produce much after that game. I think I started him eight more times after that, and just nothing. It’s easy if you’re green to get excited about your fantasy player when they do well. Now, I know better, but at the time I guess I was like a lot of guys in my league. It was also probably a mistake to get my girlfriend at the time, Bonnie, to get the same tattoo.”
Avery is considering getting both the barbed wire and Hicks tattoo removed, but he says other priorities may derail that plan.
“Well, I have a Patrick Ramsey face inked on my inner thigh which I probably dislike even more, so that is probably the first to go. It’s just all a mess right now,” Lonnie lamented. “I’ve learned my lesson, and hope that by sharing my story I can help other fantasy owners avoid this type of tragedy.”
Avery offered no information on whether ex-girlfriend Bonnie has removed her Skip Hicks etching.
MYRTLE BEACH, SC- In a recent survey pollsters have found that Fantasy Golf is becoming very popular with a certain segment of the American population. Surveyors asked a series of questions to people in 20 different American cities including ‘Do you get excited by certain Hefeweizen beers?’, ‘How much do you like riverboat gambling?’, ‘Do you attend a lot of conventions?’, and ‘Do you like watching grass grow and paint dry?’
The respondents were divided into several categories depending on their responses, and overwhelmingly the Fantasy Golf enthusiasts were also rated ‘people who like really boring things’.
Fantasy Golf has always been known to be popular amongst new immigrants who couldn’t afford to play the real game, but could engage in a distant tangent of an ‘upscale activity’ as part of their American dream. But this recent finding has a whole new set of middle class and affluent Americans playing the game as well, indicating that not only is wanting an upscale lifestyle a motivator, but so is finding the dullest of activities absolutely thrilling.
One man, Tom Smithton, from Raleigh-Durham North Carolina said, “If it wasn’t for Fantasy Golf I’m not sure what I would do. The game is engaging, exciting, and overall - adds a lot of stimulation to my life.” Mr. Smithton, an envelope stuffer, was on his way to a ceramics discussion group at the new Dave and Buster’s when pollsters caught up with him.
Mandy Alstrom who works in Human Resources at a financial services company in Schenectady, New York said outside of enjoying the entire line of Swiffer products, Fantasy Golf has given her a lot to be excited about on a weekly basis.
Other Fantasy Golf lovers in the survey indicated a fascination for youtube videos of cats playing with yarn, domed stadiums, chipotle dressing, rocks, and chain emails with photos and moral lessons which insist that you pass them on for good luck.
TARZANA, CA- After having gone missing for three days Lou Pinderbine tried to convince family and friends that one of his ex-fantasy football wide receivers, David Boston, had violently pulled him off his nature hike into an underground bodega where Boston has purportedly been hiding for the past couple years.
“Being taken hostage by a receiver you dumped into free agency years ago is total hell. You have no idea how strange it was down there,” said Pinderbine, who turned 39 the day he was abducted.
Pinderbine describes the underground tunnel system, which Boston claims to have burrowed single- handedly, as ‘the strangest shrine to David Boston/Salamancan wine cellar you have ever seen.’
“It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just a day trip. In fact it was fairly interesting,” Lou said. “But Boston actually lives down there, and between the lack of adequate facilities, and shavings from his gingko wood carvings it just smelled unbelievably bad.”
Pinderbine said he saw nothing out of the ordinary coming that day, his birthday. He had completely forgotten about ever having Boston on his fantasy roster. After being pulled through a trap door into the subterrean refuge of Boston, Lou said he thought he might never see the light of day again.
“I asked him if I could leave,” Lou said, “but he didn’t acknowledge me, almost seeming bitter as we ate a light dinner of bread and lentil soup. It was like he was trying to prove a very subtle point- to have respected him more when he played. I tried to appease him as we washed dishes, explaining that at the time I thought I had better choices when I dumped him into the free agent pool. He didn’t seem to understand. All I heard was David mumbling surly remarks under his breath.”
Worse still, after Pinderbine convinced Boston to let him go the story of his capture fell on deaf ears with his neighbors, even his family.
“Lou has an active imagination,” his wife Kathy, said. “He always talks about one of his former fantasy team players coming after him. I didn’t believe it- until a friend of ours produced the photograph.”
Jason Belding was along for the hike with Lou, and snapped the photograph just as Pinderbine was being hauled underground. “I was so scared I just ran away”, Belding said. I figured if I told anybody they would think I’m crazy, so I just shut it. When Lou reappeared I breathed a big sigh of relief, and handed my photo over to him.”
“I didn’t appreciate my best friend not telling anyone I was abducted on my birthday, but thank God everything turned out okay,” Pinderbine says. “Jason and I will still be buddies, but I’m never walking through that stretch of forest again.”
Lou is at home resting with his family.