DeAngelo Williams Complains of ‘Crotch Biting’

CHARLOTTE- Feeling the pressure of Jonathan Stewart descending upon him, Carolina Panthers DeAngelo Williams held a press conference Monday on unfair ‘crotch tackling’. He said tackling his crotch is what hinders his performance.

“I have just gotten tired of it,” Williams told a small gathering of reporters, “They don’t do this to everyone, but it sure feels like defensive players have it out for me, biting my thighs, tackling my crotch, hitting me where it counts. I have welts on my thighs the size of oatmeal cookies. I’m standing up today to say it’s not right.”

Williams said Jonathan Stewart doesn’t suffer this indignity as much, and that’s why he is ‘doing somewhat better.’ During the informative meeting DeAngelo explained where defensive players bite his crotch, where they tackle his crotch, and why he thinks his crotch is tackled more than Stewart.

“Probably because I’m handsome, and a really good player. I think when you have those two things in play, big ugly defensive guys get jealous. Jonathan [Stewart] is ugly like a wart so he doesn’t get it as much, but all this doesn’t mean I’m not the better player, the far superior player.”

At times reporters seem puzzled, but Williams put all doubts to rest when he revealed large swatches of skin underneath his uniform which seemed chewed upon.

“And you know I didn’t do this to myself. I can’t get down there. I’m no ventriloquist, believe me. Defenses are like piranhas. It’s no joke.

Commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, is looking into other instances of crotch biting and crotch tackling, and in a phone message said if the trend is commonplace he will establish a commission to study the matter.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI