Mr. Owens Goes To Washington

DALLAS - Late Tuesday night, wide receiver Terrell Owens enlisted the aid of his retained lobbyist, Bill Rubin, and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, to go to Capitol Hill to lobby Congress against passage of any future bailout bills which don’t name him. The last bill provided $700 billion in funds to failed financial institutions including AIG, the insurance giant.

“It’s just not right,” Owens explained, “These Wall Street fat cats took home mad money in bonuses during the good times, all the while taking inordinate risk, and now they get a bail out? Are they serious? Hey, I want me some too. This is fight for the little people.”

T.O. went on to explain that he wouldn’t be nearly so upset had his name been specifically mentioned as a recipient of some of the bailout funds. He noted AIG executives who threw a party at a luxury hotel this past weekend, specifically citing the massages, spa treatments, manicures, and pedicures which added up to over $400,000.

“I like all those things too you know,” Owens said. “Here. Just look at the facts. These are executives and bankers, right? And these are the people who spend $500,000 on PSLs, skyboxes, and luxury seats at games in which I, yes I, entertain them. Me! And they are going to get paid, and I’m not ? I don’t think so. I mean how does that work? Hey, that doesn’t work! If you don’t understand that then you don’t understand America. When T.O. does well we all do well.”

Owens seemed fairly upbeat, but as he went through the list of goodies which the business elite have received from the government he began to break down.

“We just can’t keep coddling these people,” he said as his voice warbled. “Don’t you get it? The banking institutions are cheating average American investors with complex financial instruments where they extract value from the economy without providing any goods or services. They’re literally gambling our money when they put our houses on the line, and provide loans they don’t care about. There has got to be a separation between investment banks and commercial lending institutions, just like we had up til 1999. There have got to be rules set in place. You can’t expect business people who are the power base of this country to police themselves!”

T.O. then fell into the arms of his agent Rosenhaus, a weeping mess, mumbling incomprehensibly about credit swaps, and had to be escorted out of the Mercedes-Benz dealership showroom where he was waiting to take delivery on his new SLR McLaren.

Neither Jeff Garcia or Donovan McNabb could be reached for further comment. T.O. is hopeful he will be part of the next bailout plan. This story is developing as new ‘rescue’ strategies are devised by Congress.

submitted by DH
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI