Orton Says He Knows He’s a Nub: “I Apologize”

CHICAGO- In a somber tone Kyle Orton, quarterback for the Chicago Bears, read a prepared statement Sunday night admitting he was a ‘nub of the first caliber’ after destroying the hopes of Bears fans and fantasy football coaches nationwide. He said he has always been a nub, a schlub, and a flub, but these facts have been hidden from view during his uncharacteristically error free run this season.

“If you had any hopes of making the fantasy playoffs, and I screwed that up, I’m sorry,” Orton apologized. “I hope to never play on any football team again. My three picks against the Vikings were uncalled for, but then again what would anyone expect from a nub? I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone sooner. I wish Plaxico [Burress] had shot me in the thigh. There is no justice.”

Orton went on to tell the media gathered that he had a nice Thanksgiving, but was criticized by his wife when he started throwing rolls to his nephew at the family dinner.

“Everytime I tried to chuck one of the hot rolls to my little nephew, Aunt Henrietta would stick her hand out and catch them instead. She kept asking me to stop, but I just kept doing it. I should have known this was a sign of things to come. Sometimes I don’t know when I get out of control, and again, this is what you would expect from a professional nub,” Orton said.

Matt Forte, who would have had about 60 more yards, three more receptions, and another touchdown if the Bears could have stayed on the field during the fourth quarter refused to comment on his quarterbacks’ horribly shoddy play, instead telling reporters that ‘God has a way of sorting all this out in the end’. By God, Forte could be meaning Coach Lovie Smith.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI