Denver’s New Stadium Bums Out Kickers

DENVER- After architects at world famous DOK spent years designing the post-modern sculpted ’signal to the world’ stadium at Denver, fans, players, and coaches are saying it’s ridiculous and impractical. The 120,000 square foot stadium has multiple apexes with watchtowers that look out over Denver middle class suburbia, and a continuous entrance under a tent-like exterior frame. But those close to it are saying it is more of an eyesore than a testament to Denver, and Denver kicker Matt Prater, especially, was hugely depleted.

“Field goals are going to be more difficult, and punts virtually impossible,” Prater angrily said as he confronted the Broncos coaching staff. “You have to kick around almost a 90 degree area of a circle, keeping your kicks low, and even then the ceiling drops to a point where the ball will almost surely be knocked down.”

Jay Cutler, quarterback for the Broncos was none too happy either.

“This is the end of the ‘long bomb’. Just when I get a Brandon Marshall who can really stretch the field this happens. Now they’ve stretched the field, and curved it, and Brandon will be nothing more than a basic slot guy. I apologize on behalf of the Broncos to all fantasy football owners, and especially the fans of Denver,” Cutler said.

But Broncos players weren’t the only ones who were in dismay. Two days ago a letter from all 32 starting kickers in the league was sent to commissioner Roger Goodell, and Broncos owner Pat Bowlen. In they complained of the variable ceiling heights, and curved field, and it’s impact on kickers.

“What we really have here are six putting greens tied to each other by a rental tent,” said Nate Kaeding, kicker for the Chargers. “I will have to play there often, eventually everyone will have to play there, and it’s not good for our stats, and certain devalues kickers in all fantasy formats as well.”

Architects from DOK defended themselves saying the new stadium will take some getting used to, but what it adds to the sophisticated landscape of Denver will more than outweigh ‘any heady kicking issues’.

Tom Paul Thong, Sr. Architect for DOK said, “There’s nothing wrong with this stadium. The fact is it was cheap to build, easy to erect, and has a lifespan of ten years, so if people don’t like what they see they have nothing to worry about. It will crumble automatically in a decade.

Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Dolphins, said the Denver stadium has inspired him to remake his stadium into the shape of an adobe pueblo.