DENVER- Upon being let go from the Denver Broncos Mike Shanahan announced plans to help running backs around the league and athletes of all types improve their ball handling techniques through improved finger nimbleness.
“A big part of holding the rock in football is coarse hands, calluses, even corns,” Shanahan said. “Through improved mobility of the fingers we can achieve tighter grips on the ball for all running backs, and that’s what ‘Shanahands’ is all about.”
The coach said the sports manicure center will feature manicurists who bathe, dip, and scrub every part of an athlete’s rough hand, pushing back cuticle, and trimming unwanted skin and nail. They even have a Palmolive hand jacuzzi for excessive workman like digits.
“When customers leave here we want their hands to feel like a baby’s. Our focus is running back hands, but we also service basketball, baseball, hockey, and golf players,” said general manager Sonny “Daddyfingers” Esperanto. “We don’t care if the athlete or wanna be athlete comes in here with sausage sized fingers with nails the thickness of drywall. After our hot lavender hand spa and kelp relaxation scrubs they’ll walk out of here feeling like they’re ready for the workout of their lives. Get on the field boys you’ve got hot hands!”
Shanahan’s public relations spokesperson said the former Denver coach plans on visiting the twenty locations in the Denver area personally to ensure customer service and quality control is at its finest. As ‘Shanahands’ branches out into other cities Mike will ’stay a little hands off’ the spokesperson said.
“After all he is looking for a new job,” the spokesperson said.
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DALLAS- After beating the wayward New York Giants on Sunday owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, told reporters he is releasing his long time held family recipe for clam dip. Jones said he was eating the dip with friends in his luxury box right as Tashard Choice ran over 35 yards for a touchdown. The owner said he wanted America to share in his joy.
“It’s a tremendous clam dip,” Jones told awaiting media. “My mother used to make it for me when I was a kid, and we enjoyed it all through the game. Listen America, you’ve gotta make this stuff for yourself. In bad times sour cream and clam sauce will fill you up, and keep you satisfied during the game. It’s a Cowboys tradition and we hope football fans everywhere will enjoy it as well.”
Reporters hammered the Cowboys owner with questions about the dip’s secrecy. Jones said up until now he was hesitant to release the ingredients despite repeated requests from Dallas fans because he wanted to make sure ‘people could handle it.’
“It’s a brain teaser, and not simple to make. I was awaiting a critical moment to release this concoction, and now I feel the time is right. It’s a damn good recipe,” Jones said defensively. “I just wanted people to really appreciate it, and frankly unless there is a mass movement for this dip people might overlook it.”
Jones refused to discuss the troubles he was having with a cost overrun on the new stadium he is building for the Cowboys, turning the questions around to reflect his love for the clam dip recipe.
“I know a lot of you are wondering about my troubles with the new construction, but I can assure you this clam dip will be available throughout the stadium when it’s finished,” Jones said. “I just love the stuff myself, and know it will sell well.”
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Asked what he expects from new punter Jeremy Kapinos, coach Mike McCarthy said, “I expect him to show up, I expect him to kick the ball in the right direction, not too drink too much of the Gatorade, leave the other guys room on the bench to sit, and wash his own uniform. This is clearly a huge acquisition for the spiraling Packers.
The New York Giants coach has told management that he is ready to ‘give up’ after the hooplah surrounding Plaxico Burress, Ahmad Bradshaw, and Antonio Pierce. “We go 11-1, and are the team of destiny, and now this,” Coughlin was heard saying, “I just can’t take it anymore. I tried to be nice to these guys, and now look. If I have to keep being nice I’m gonna quit the whole damn thing. Yeah, I’m ready to throw in the towel, wouldn’t you be?”
Bill Walsh, Joe Siefert, Mike Shanahan, Mike Holmgren, Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan
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Mike Nolan has been fired by the 49ers, replaced by the one and only former Bear, Mike Singletary. Players say they are fairly relieved they don’t have to look at a suit and tie during the game anymore. “It was distracting,” says running back Frank Gore. “He was lookin’ so sharp on the sidelines I think everyone thought he was trying to take some attention for himself. It hurt the team. Why do you think I’ve been doing so poorly?” Nolan leaves with an 18-37 record, which by recent 49er standards isn’t that bad.
These are all good people in this video, but I’m not sure how much more boring the interview questions posed by ESPN could get. Can this once heralded network do something entertaining again? That remains to be seen. Please watch and judge for yourself. What questions would you ask a pro coach or player?
ST. LOUIS- Suffering Rams head coach Scott Linehan (0-4) met with Brian Billick after the Rams’ defeat by Buffalo on Sunday to finalize an agreement that would place Linehan as the head manager of the St. Louis branch of Billick’s Clean ‘N Go car wash chain. Linehan will manage four possibly five people at the South St. Louis location, overseeing customer intake, hose spraying, waxing, and rag drying.
Linehan said, “It’s a pleasure to become part of the Clean ‘N Go family. I have always enjoyed clean cars. You could almost say it’s a passion. Brian has offered me an opportunity, and I’m seizing it. Coaching the Rams has been fun, but I have to go where my heart takes me - soap and water.”
Billick said although he was disappointed that Denny Green and Matt Millen turned down his multiple offers for the post now held by Linehan, he is ‘fairly happy’ to have the uninspired Rams coach helping out.
“Scott’s alright you know. He’s a good guy. He’s a little inept, but a real trooper. He’ll start out like everyone washing cars, and if everything goes well with that, we’ll try and get him on the cash register. Oh yeah, and he’ll ‘manage’ everybody. He he. I appointed him ‘Head People Person’,” Billick announced.
Linehan seemed excited about his new career telling eager reporters he plans to scrub the cars really hard, and manage all the people ‘real good’. No comment from his players about Linehan’s new post.
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The coach of the New England Patriots was in an upbeat mood Monday morning despite being grilled by reporters about the Superbowl loss last year. “I’m good with it,” the coach replied, “It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m in a good mood today.” Later it was learned that the source of Bellichik’s elation was a new shipment of brand new spy cameras he bought from Spencer Gifts. Insiders report there were ‘cameras inside of footballs, some with an infrared feature, and some even designed to be placed into player’s helmets’. “Bellichik was jumping up and down like a girl at a Menudo concert,” one trainer confided.