Defensive lineman for the New York Jets, Shaun Ellis, was arrested for marijuana possession. Despite that he will amazingly play in Sunday’s game against San Francisco team doctors say. “We feel if Shaun is able to get a good buzz going before the game he might play at the highest level. In that effort we will have an ice bong out on the field so Shaun can get some tokes going before the game, and when he comes off the field,” Dr. Lou Canoli told reporters.
Both Pat and Kevin Williams have been granted a restraining order against the NFL for using the water pills, Skycaps. This means they both could play the rest of the season. The NFL asked for an immediate hearing, but the judge, who is a shareholder in Skycaps said, “Roger Goodell, just go get a life.” Both Williams sent the judge gifts of a fruit basket and essential oils for his help with their case.
This news is breaking, and will be updated daily as this situation unfolds. For now expect the Williams to crush director of Clerks, Kevin Smith, this Sunday.
Pat Williams and his ‘brother’ Kevin will file an injunction to avoid being suspended during the season for violating the water pill policy which both did not know about. If both are out, the Minnesota rush defense will take a severe hit to the benefit of fantasy owners who have Kevin Smith, Tim Hightower, Michael Turner, and the combo of Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs in coming weeks. These owners are highly inclined to want the Williams Wall to crumble. Said one Kevin Smith owner, “This is better than the fall of the Berlin Wall as far as I’m concerned. I’m almost in the playoffs. Thank God for water pills!”
Antonio Pierce’s lawyer claims that Pierce thought the gun he was handed the night of Plaxico Burress’ self shooting was a water gun. “He just thought Plaxico was joking around. If he had known the little gun he was handed was a real gun he would have run like the devil. You guys are making a big thing out of nothing, believe me. These guys are pulling pranks on each other all the time,” Antonio’s lawyer said. The lawyer, Mev Carnidle, then started to squirt New York reporters in the face to make his point, and ask if anyone in the crowd had ever had their car impounded. “Huh?”
Defensive lineman for the Cincinnati Bengals, Frostee Rucker left the field with a leg injury in Thursday nights game against the Steelers. Team physicians iced Frostee’s leg down, and gave him a cold drink. They told reporters that when it gets above 32 degrees Frostee’s body begins to melt down. They will save him for frigid December games.
Jerod Mayo suffered a minor injury in the first quarter of the Jets game, but returned. Mayo called friend Chad Mustard who encouraged him to get back on the field. Mustard said Mayo also received encouragement from his girlfriend, Tina Peanut Butter And Jelly. No word on whether a restaurant is in the works.
Defensive lineman for the Tennessee Titans Albert Haynesworth will go in front of a judge on December 9th to resolve a ticket he received for driving 103 in a 70mph zone. This will probably not affect his play on field, but when asked why he was driving so fast he said, “If you had bought a Smart car recently you woulda wanted to ‘open it up’ too. It’s a temptation that’s hard to resist.” No report on why Haynesworth chose a bright orange color for his new vehicle, but he says he couldn’t be happier.
Cornerback for the Buffalo Bills Ashton Youboty was placed on IR after the Bills top brass came to the realization that the defensive back had two ridiculous names, Ashton and Youboty. Surgery is not necessary according to team officials, but team doctors did suggest he hold his tongue when people ask his name, or at the very least just reply, ‘Don Smith’. Mr. Youboty has made no official statement.
Bears cornerback Nathan Vasher will resume playing after having pins removed from his wrist. The pins were inserted at the beginning of the season when Nathan visited a witch doctor who said that Nathan needed to become a human voodoo doll to ward off evil intrusions from opposing offenses. Vasher went through with the hocus pocus, but more recently came to the conclusion it wasn’t working.
This creates a problem for some of the other defensive players on the Bears, as they too had pins inserted in their wrists, and now feel duped by Vasher’s initial insistence to do so.