Ben Roethlisberger, after completely a psychological evaluation this week, could return to Steelers practice within a week. Until then Byron Leftwich is getting a majority of the snaps. Reportedly Big Ben has said that he has given up on gold diggers completely, focusing more on football, and blow up dolls which fit into a carry on.
Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds
BOSTON- In a recently released study by the Fantasy Sports Examination Institute (FSEI) researchers have found that most men would rather win their leagues than make their wildest dreams come true. Conversely, by not winning their championships the shame and stress resulting from not being dominant in their league is worse than having their greatest dreams not come true.
The respondents from a double blind study over a three year period cited the stress from not making the fantasy playoffs was worse than the stress of getting a pay cut, having a wife cheat on them, or having their dreams of success in life come to a screeching halt.
One man from Davis, California said, “If my real dreams don’t come true I can live with that in a way. I’m used to being an average Joe. But god dammit why I didn’t start DeAngelo Williams last week! Now that’s a real killer. I give up - on everything, literally.”
Another man from the Virginia says, “There is no question I can live on this earth without achieving some kind of fantasy life. But never winning my league? Wow, I couldn’t imagine how much that would suck. I’ve gotta find a way to win next year.”
For men who take their fantasy misfortunes too seriously help may be on the way. Psychologists say there are easy ways to improve your team by adhering to deeper principles than most other coaches.
“One of those is the Rule of 370- this can help you avoid backs who will get injured the following season,” said Mary Linton, lead researcher of the study. “You can also be careful with the way you draft split time backs. Both of these tools can help any errant fantasy football coach improve his draft strategy for next year.”
One final way to deal with the stress from fantasy football is to leave the game, and leave your league altogether. Yet despite this clear option not one participant in the study ever did so no matter how hopeless their fantasy football season had become.
“It must be some survival thing,” Linton said. “Evolution has a way of making all of us claw through the impossible. It’s amazing.”
Photo Provided By T.D. Reamon
DENVER- After architects at world famous DOK spent years designing the post-modern sculpted ’signal to the world’ stadium at Denver, fans, players, and coaches are saying it’s ridiculous and impractical. The 120,000 square foot stadium has multiple apexes with watchtowers that look out over Denver middle class suburbia, and a continuous entrance under a tent-like exterior frame. But those close to it are saying it is more of an eyesore than a testament to Denver, and Denver kicker Matt Prater, especially, was hugely depleted.
“Field goals are going to be more difficult, and punts virtually impossible,” Prater angrily said as he confronted the Broncos coaching staff. “You have to kick around almost a 90 degree area of a circle, keeping your kicks low, and even then the ceiling drops to a point where the ball will almost surely be knocked down.”
Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Broncos was none too happy either.
“This is the end of the ‘long bomb’. They’ve stretched the field, curved it, and let me tell you Jabar Gaffney is none too happy either. I apologize on behalf of the Broncos to all fantasy football owners, and especially the fans of Denver,” Tebow said.
But Broncos players weren’t the only ones who were in dismay. Two days ago a letter from all 32 starting kickers in the league was sent to commissioner Roger Goodell, and Broncos owner Pat Bowlen. In they complained of the variable ceiling heights, and curved field, and it’s impact on kickers.
“What we really have here are six putting greens tied to each other by a rental tent,” said Nate Kaeding, kicker for the Chargers. “I will have to play there often, eventually everyone will have to play there, and it’s not good for our stats, and certain devalues kickers in all fantasy formats as well.”
Architects from DOK defended themselves saying the new stadium will take some getting used to, but what it adds to the sophisticated landscape of Denver will more than outweigh ‘any heady kicking issues’.
Tom Paul Thong, Sr. Architect for DOK said, “There’s nothing wrong with this stadium. The fact is it was cheap to build, easy to erect, and has a lifespan of ten years, so if people don’t like what they see they have nothing to worry about. It will crumble automatically in a decade.
Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Dolphins, said the Denver stadium has inspired him to remake his stadium into the shape of an adobe pueblo.
Bill Walsh, Joe Siefert, Mike Shanahan, Mike Holmgren, Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan
IRVINE- A company in Southern California has issued a limited release line of Nesting Dolls featuring some of the great coaches of the West Coast Offense. The set is available for $39.99 plus shipping and handling. To order please fill out the form on this site or contact Fantasy Suprises in Irvine, California for more details. Limit one set per customer, and please specify the History of the West Coast Offense nesting dolls.
TARZANA, CA- After having gone missing for three days Lou Pinderbine tried to convince family and friends that one of his ex-fantasy football wide receivers, David Boston, had violently pulled him off his nature hike into an underground bodega where Boston has purportedly been hiding for the past couple years.
“Being taken hostage by a receiver you dumped into free agency years ago is total hell. You have no idea how strange it was down there,” said Pinderbine, who turned 39 the day he was abducted.
Pinderbine describes the underground tunnel system, which Boston claims to have burrowed single- handedly, as ‘the strangest shrine to David Boston/Salamancan wine cellar you have ever seen.’
“It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just a day trip. In fact it was fairly interesting,” Lou said. “But Boston actually lives down there, and between the lack of adequate facilities, and shavings from his gingko wood carvings it just smelled unbelievably bad.”
Pinderbine said he saw nothing out of the ordinary coming that day, his birthday. He had completely forgotten about ever having Boston on his fantasy roster. After being pulled through a trap door into the subterrean refuge of Boston, Lou said he thought he might never see the light of day again.
“I asked him if I could leave,” Lou said, “but he didn’t acknowledge me, almost seeming bitter as we ate a light dinner of bread and lentil soup. It was like he was trying to prove a very subtle point- to have respected him more when he played. I tried to appease him as we washed dishes, explaining that at the time I thought I had better choices when I dumped him into the free agent pool. He didn’t seem to understand. All I heard was David mumbling surly remarks under his breath.”
Worse still, after Pinderbine convinced Boston to let him go the story of his capture fell on deaf ears with his neighbors, even his family.
“Lou has an active imagination,” his wife Kathy, said. “He always talks about one of his former fantasy team players coming after him. I didn’t believe it- until a friend of ours produced the photograph.”
Jason Belding was along for the hike with Lou, and snapped the photograph just as Pinderbine was being hauled underground. “I was so scared I just ran away”, Belding said. I figured if I told anybody they would think I’m crazy, so I just shut it. When Lou reappeared I breathed a big sigh of relief, and handed my photo over to him.”
“I didn’t appreciate my best friend not telling anyone I was abducted on my birthday, but thank God everything turned out okay,” Pinderbine says. “Jason and I will still be buddies, but I’m never walking through that stretch of forest again.”
Lou is at home resting with his family.
Hines Ward was seen smiling during practice as he prepared for the Superbowl. He said he experienced no fall out from the injury he suffered during the AFC championship game. “I’m a little bit gimpy today, but just see if any injury is going to affect my play on game day,” Ward said. “When you have a smile like mine, you get through anything.” Most experts don’t doubt Wards claims especially after seeing him rip off his arm and reattach it during yesterday’s practice all the while laughing.
TAMPA- Not understanding he would play no part in the Superbowl, Tampa Bay reserve quarterback Brian Griese offered up his services to helm either the Steelers or the Cardinals in the event they needed a quarterback in the big game. Griese told reporters he was excited the game was in Tampa, and said it would probably be only fair anyway that he got a shot to throw a few balls in the game.
“You never know what’s going to happen. There could be injuries. And I’ll be waiting for the big call,” Griese said. “That’s the advantage of being right here in Tampa during the game. I’m available. If they need me I can help. It’s the kind of man I am- a helpful one. I am suspecting I’ll get at least quarter of play if either team is behind.”
Griese added that his unique style of play, an underhanded throwing style, could be the key to victory for either team.
“Right now I haven’t gotten much feedback from the coaches,” added Griese, “but just wait until things get tough, and I think you’ll see the response to my unique throwing strategy more highly valued. I am already guessing that if Kurt Warner isn’t up to snuff Ken Whisenhunt will be looking for a creative strategy in accomplishing his goals. As I said, I’m available. I think it helps both teams that I’m right here in Tampa. It will make their choice a lot easier when they get to the point where they need a fill-in superstar quarterback.”
Griese said he would prepare for the Superbowl in Lamier Park in Tampa over the next two weeks, throwing balls to his cousin Ernie.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI