Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds
BOSTON- In a recently released study by the Fantasy Sports Examination Institute (FSEI) researchers have found that most men would rather win their leagues than make their wildest dreams come true. Conversely, by not winning their championships the shame and stress resulting from not being dominant in their league is worse than having their greatest dreams not come true.
The respondents from a double blind study over a three year period cited the stress from not making the fantasy playoffs was worse than the stress of getting a pay cut, having a wife cheat on them, or having their dreams of success in life come to a screeching halt.
One man from Davis, California said, “If my real dreams don’t come true I can live with that in a way. I’m used to being an average Joe. But god dammit why I didn’t start DeAngelo Williams last week! Now that’s a real killer. I give up - on everything, literally.”
Another man from the Virginia says, “There is no question I can live on this earth without achieving some kind of fantasy life. But never winning my league? Wow, I couldn’t imagine how much that would suck. I’ve gotta find a way to win next year.”
For men who take their fantasy misfortunes too seriously help may be on the way. Psychologists say there are easy ways to improve your team by adhering to deeper principles than most other coaches.
“One of those is the Rule of 370- this can help you avoid backs who will get injured the following season,” said Mary Linton, lead researcher of the study. “You can also be careful with the way you draft split time backs. Both of these tools can help any errant fantasy football coach improve his draft strategy for next year.”
One final way to deal with the stress from fantasy football is to leave the game, and leave your league altogether. Yet despite this clear option not one participant in the study ever did so no matter how hopeless their fantasy football season had become.
“It must be some survival thing,” Linton said. “Evolution has a way of making all of us claw through the impossible. It’s amazing.”
Photo Provided By T.D. Reamon
Carmelo Anthony is battling Amare Stoudemire for the second starting spot at forward in All Star Game. Anthony recently complained that his hand injury may have hurt his chances in climbing up the voting ranks. “I had been able to fill out about 100 ballots per day, but now that my hand is cramping it’s tougher to stuff the ballot box,” Anthony admitted.
Hines Ward was seen smiling during practice as he prepared for the Superbowl. He said he experienced no fall out from the injury he suffered during the AFC championship game. “I’m a little bit gimpy today, but just see if any injury is going to affect my play on game day,” Ward said. “When you have a smile like mine, you get through anything.” Most experts don’t doubt Wards claims especially after seeing him rip off his arm and reattach it during yesterday’s practice all the while laughing.
TAMPA- Not understanding he would play no part in the Superbowl, Tampa Bay reserve quarterback Brian Griese offered up his services to helm either the Steelers or the Cardinals in the event they needed a quarterback in the big game. Griese told reporters he was excited the game was in Tampa, and said it would probably be only fair anyway that he got a shot to throw a few balls in the game.
“You never know what’s going to happen. There could be injuries. And I’ll be waiting for the big call,” Griese said. “That’s the advantage of being right here in Tampa during the game. I’m available. If they need me I can help. It’s the kind of man I am- a helpful one. I am suspecting I’ll get at least quarter of play if either team is behind.”
Griese added that his unique style of play, an underhanded throwing style, could be the key to victory for either team.
“Right now I haven’t gotten much feedback from the coaches,” added Griese, “but just wait until things get tough, and I think you’ll see the response to my unique throwing strategy more highly valued. I am already guessing that if Kurt Warner isn’t up to snuff Ken Whisenhunt will be looking for a creative strategy in accomplishing his goals. As I said, I’m available. I think it helps both teams that I’m right here in Tampa. It will make their choice a lot easier when they get to the point where they need a fill-in superstar quarterback.”
Griese said he would prepare for the Superbowl in Lamier Park in Tampa over the next two weeks, throwing balls to his cousin Ernie.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
BALTIMORE- It came as complete shock to Baltimore Ravens veteran wide receiver Derrick Mason when he was being yelled at by the hostess of the ExtenZe infomercials during Friday’s practice. Mason said he was called ‘useless stubby’, ‘midget wiener’, and ‘little pee pee pants’ by the low grade actress/host for the fake male enhancement drug which Mason admits has sold millions.
“I know have my fans and my enemies, but the crude language that came out of that party ho’s mouth was so offensive I felt angry. I was just thinking ‘Oh no you didn’t!’,” Mason told the ailing Baltimore Sun.
Mason refused to yell back at the low self-esteemed hostess, instead staring in disbelief. About a minute into her rant Mason decided the only way to combat the dong crazed female was to play on Sunday even with a knee injury and shoulder problem.
“You know I haven’t really practiced fully all week,” Mason told reporters, “but this chick has made me realize that I have to play. I’m gonna start this Sunday to combat her hate for men like me. Men’s genitalia should never be publicly outed by loose women in the stands before a playoff game. Especially if the date didn’t go that well, and you don’t really care about them in the first place.”
No indications whether the male enhancement hostess will be at Sunday’s playoff game to heckle Mason more. Joe Flacco, the Ravens’ quarterback, and Mason’s friend was unavailable for comment.
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI
Brian Westbrook has kept silent during the post-season avoiding reporters and wishing to remain behind the scenes as he prepares for the NFC Championship game. When asked if he had any reservations for this upcoming game Westbrook wouldn’t answer, only later whispering in a low voice to teammates, “Reservations for four in the endzone.”
Derrick Mason did not practice Wednesday in preparation for the AFC Championship game this weekend. Mason instead watched his favorite movies “Annie Hall”, “Battleship Potemkin”, and “You’ve Got Mail.”
“When I was a kid I used to love the triple feature,” Mason said. The movies are a great way to escape reality and live in entirely new worlds for a few hours. And it doesn’t get any better than this triple threat. I may take tomorrow off too. There’s a Norah Efron night on TBS which I don’t want to miss.”
No seriously, we like Derrick Mason.
For the near term Matt Cooke will line up with Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. He has already scored one goal with this superstar duo, and looks forward to increasing his salary with every game played. Said Cooke, “You put me in a good situation, and you’ll see the Cooke make a hockey salad.” Okay, so he isn’t Mark Twain, but a lucky man he is.