Denver’s New Stadium Bums Out Kickers

DENVER- After architects at world famous DOK spent years designing the post-modern sculpted ’signal to the world’ stadium at Denver, fans, players, and coaches are saying it’s ridiculous and impractical. The 120,000 square foot stadium has multiple apexes with watchtowers that look out over Denver middle class suburbia, and a continuous entrance under a tent-like exterior frame. But those close to it are saying it is more of an eyesore than a testament to Denver, and Denver kicker Matt Prater, especially, was hugely depleted.

“Field goals are going to be more difficult, and punts virtually impossible,” Prater angrily said as he confronted the Broncos coaching staff. “You have to kick around almost a 90 degree area of a circle, keeping your kicks low, and even then the ceiling drops to a point where the ball will almost surely be knocked down.”

Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Broncos was none too happy either.

“This is the end of the ‘long bomb’. They’ve stretched the field, curved it, and let me tell you Jabar Gaffney is none too happy either.  I apologize on behalf of the Broncos to all fantasy football owners, and especially the fans of Denver,” Tebow said.

But Broncos players weren’t the only ones who were in dismay. Two days ago a letter from all 32 starting kickers in the league was sent to commissioner Roger Goodell, and Broncos owner Pat Bowlen. In they complained of the variable ceiling heights, and curved field, and it’s impact on kickers.

“What we really have here are six putting greens tied to each other by a rental tent,” said Nate Kaeding, kicker for the Chargers. “I will have to play there often, eventually everyone will have to play there, and it’s not good for our stats, and certain devalues kickers in all fantasy formats as well.”

Architects from DOK defended themselves saying the new stadium will take some getting used to, but what it adds to the sophisticated landscape of Denver will more than outweigh ‘any heady kicking issues’.

Tom Paul Thong, Sr. Architect for DOK said, “There’s nothing wrong with this stadium. The fact is it was cheap to build, easy to erect, and has a lifespan of ten years, so if people don’t like what they see they have nothing to worry about. It will crumble automatically in a decade.

Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Dolphins, said the Denver stadium has inspired him to remake his stadium into the shape of an adobe pueblo.

Hines Ward-WR-Steelers

Hines Ward was seen smiling during practice as he prepared for the Superbowl. He said he experienced no fall out from the injury he suffered during the AFC championship game. “I’m a little bit gimpy today, but just see if any injury is going to affect my play on game day,” Ward said. “When you have a smile like mine, you get through anything.” Most experts don’t doubt Wards claims especially after seeing him rip off his arm and reattach it during yesterday’s practice all the while laughing.

Griese Says He Can Play QB In Superbowl If Needed

TAMPA- Not understanding he would play no part in the Superbowl, Tampa Bay reserve quarterback Brian Griese offered up his services to helm either the Steelers or the Cardinals in the event they needed a quarterback in the big game. Griese told reporters he was excited the game was in Tampa, and said it would probably be only fair anyway that he got a shot to throw a few balls in the game.

“You never know what’s going to happen. There could be injuries. And I’ll be waiting for the big call,” Griese said. “That’s the advantage of being right here in Tampa during the game. I’m available. If they need me I can help. It’s the kind of man I am- a helpful one. I am suspecting I’ll get at least quarter of play if either team is behind.”

Griese added that his unique style of play, an underhanded throwing style, could be the key to victory for either team.

“Right now I haven’t gotten much feedback from the coaches,” added Griese, “but just wait until things get tough, and I think you’ll see the response to my unique throwing strategy more highly valued. I am already guessing that if Kurt Warner isn’t up to snuff Ken Whisenhunt will be looking for a creative strategy in accomplishing his goals. As I said, I’m available. I think it helps both teams that I’m right here in Tampa. It will make their choice a lot easier when they get to the point where they need a fill-in superstar quarterback.”

Griese said he would prepare for the Superbowl in Lamier Park in Tampa over the next two weeks, throwing balls to his cousin Ernie.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Mason Will Play Despite Being Heckled By ‘ExtenZe’ Lady

BALTIMORE- It came as complete shock to Baltimore Ravens veteran wide receiver Derrick Mason when he was being yelled at by the hostess of the ExtenZe infomercials during Friday’s practice. Mason said he was called ‘useless stubby’, ‘midget wiener’, and ‘little pee pee pants’ by the low grade actress/host for the fake male enhancement drug which Mason admits has sold millions.

“I know have my fans and my enemies, but the crude language that came out of that party ho’s mouth was so offensive I felt angry. I was just thinking ‘Oh no you didn’t!’,” Mason told the ailing Baltimore Sun.

Mason refused to yell back at the low self-esteemed hostess, instead staring in disbelief. About a minute into her rant Mason decided the only way to combat the dong crazed female was to play on Sunday even with a knee injury and shoulder problem.

“You know I haven’t really practiced fully all week,” Mason told reporters, “but this chick has made me realize that I have to play. I’m gonna start this Sunday to combat her hate for men like me. Men’s genitalia should never be publicly outed by loose women in the stands before a playoff game. Especially if the date didn’t go that well, and you don’t really care about them in the first place.”

No indications whether the male enhancement hostess will be at Sunday’s playoff game to heckle Mason more. Joe Flacco, the Ravens’ quarterback, and Mason’s friend was unavailable for comment.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Brian Westbrook-RB-Eagles

Brian Westbrook has kept silent during the post-season avoiding reporters and wishing to remain behind the scenes as he prepares for the NFC Championship game. When asked if he had any reservations for this upcoming game Westbrook wouldn’t answer, only later whispering in a low voice to teammates, “Reservations for four in the endzone.”

Derrick Mason-WR-Ravens

Derrick Mason did not practice Wednesday in preparation for the AFC Championship game this weekend. Mason instead watched his favorite movies “Annie Hall”, “Battleship Potemkin”, and “You’ve Got Mail.”

“When I was a kid I used to love the triple feature,” Mason said. The movies are a great way to escape reality and live in entirely new worlds for a few hours. And it doesn’t get any better than this triple threat. I may take tomorrow off too. There’s a Norah Efron night on TBS which I don’t want to miss.”

No seriously, we like Derrick Mason.

SHANAHAN OPENS SPORTS MANICURE CENTER

DENVER- Upon being let go from the Denver Broncos Mike Shanahan announced plans to help running backs around the league and athletes of all types improve their ball handling techniques through improved finger nimbleness.

“A big part of holding the rock in football is coarse hands, calluses, even corns,” Shanahan said. “Through improved mobility of the fingers we can achieve tighter grips on the ball for all running backs, and that’s what ‘Shanahands’ is all about.”

The coach said the sports manicure center will feature manicurists who bathe, dip, and scrub every part of an athlete’s rough hand, pushing back cuticle, and trimming unwanted skin and nail. They even have a Palmolive hand jacuzzi for excessive workman like digits.

“When customers leave here we want their hands to feel like a baby’s. Our focus is running back hands, but we also service basketball, baseball, hockey, and golf players,” said general manager Sonny “Daddyfingers” Esperanto. “We don’t care if the athlete or wanna be athlete comes in here with sausage sized fingers with nails the thickness of drywall. After our hot lavender hand spa and kelp relaxation scrubs they’ll walk out of here feeling like they’re ready for the workout of their lives. Get on the field boys you’ve got hot hands!”

Shanahan’s public relations spokesperson said the former Denver coach plans on visiting the twenty locations in the Denver area personally to ensure customer service and quality control is at its finest. As ‘Shanahands’ branches out into other cities Mike will ’stay a little hands off’ the spokesperson said.

“After all he is looking for a new job,” the spokesperson said.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Man Enjoys Dorky Fantasy Football Trophies

TOPEKA, KS- Darren Donalee has won his fantasy football championship twice, each time receiving his league’s championship trophy in the mail. He says he couldn’t be more pleased.

“These are the best testaments to all that I’ve been through,” Darren beamed. “The trophies are just beautiful. One is of a highschool quarterback about to throw the ball, and this year I got a running back running with the ball. They are both truly amazing. I couldn’t be more proud with these works of art.”

“Yeah, they represent his team well,” said David Dyersham, “because they look like pieces of shit.”

Darren’s leaguemates feel like they’ve had the last laugh. When league members anticipated Darren winning the championship they immediately put an order in for the weakest designed trophies they could find.

“We wanted them solid enough that Darren would brag about them, so they were kind of expensive,” said commissioner Renaldo Hastings. “But we picked the absolute worst designs. We knew he would be so proud of them, and meanwhile, believe us we’re having the last laugh. His wife Cindy hates them.”

Commissioner Hastings, as cruel as he might seem, said when Darren doesn’t win in future years the league will order trophies from a far superior online merchant, FantasyTrophies. At this company artisans actually handcraft trophies according to several designs, including custom work, and even trophies for losers.

CRAFTING AT FANTASYTROPHIES
THIS IS AN ACTUAL NEWS ARTICLE, NOT AN ADVERTISMENT

The crew over at FantasyTrophies makes their designs by hand, and as can be seen in the photo above even the modeling clay used is multi-colored, a technique which most trophy makers shy away from due to its expense and complications.

THE FANTASY COACH
****REAL NEWS STORY****

Clearly every league needs a permanent trophy. The cost is not cheap at FantasyTrophies, but for a permanent pass around trophy from league champion to league champion it is a vital part of any fantasy football league’s annual ritual.

“If you win two years in a row you simply keep the trophy for a second year,” says Dave Mitri, Founder of FantasyTrophies.

THE TOILET BOWL FOR THE ULTIMATE LOSER
ACTUAL NEWS STORY ABOUT EXCITING NEW FANTASY FOOTBALL TROPHIES!

One of the greatest trophies for every fantasy football league is ‘The Ultimate Loser’.

“Leagues can gift this to a new person every year, passing it around the league, or if the league wants to permanently give it to one fantasy coach they are welcome to do that as well. That person has to be a really terrible fantasy coach in order to do that. But we all know they’re out there!” said Mitri.

Darren Donalee (pictured at top) still thinks his mass produced trophies are great, but that’s because he doesn’t know any better. Increasingly the fantasy sports world is catching on to a distinct way of celebrating the fantasy championship in every league with the outstanding craftsmanship and art of a true fantasy football trophy, made by true fantasy football fans.

Photos Courtesy of FantasyTrophies.com

Kurt Warner-QB-Cardinals

Sure handed Kurt Warner has been praying daily for salvation in this weeks battle against the lofty Carolina Panthers. Warner is aware that Carolina’s defense is far better than Arizona’s, and is praying that his passes ‘complete in holy union’ with Steve Breaston and unnamed tight ends if Anquan Boldin is unable to start. Wife Brenda was seen at his side mumbling, and decorating a Pentecostal victory cake for the team.

Ladanian Tomlinson-RB-Chargers

LT (groin) is virtually certain to be absent against Pittsburgh’s stout defense this weekend. Team officials say that tiny Darren Sproles will start. Most of the officials had to hide their cheek to cheek smiles when they announced this so as not to insult their veteran running back. Sproles was seen practicing earlier the day strengthening his legs, jumping through the field goal uprights.

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