Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds

Denver’s New Stadium Bums Out Kickers

DENVER- After architects at world famous DOK spent years designing the post-modern sculpted ’signal to the world’ stadium at Denver, fans, players, and coaches are saying it’s ridiculous and impractical. The 120,000 square foot stadium has multiple apexes with watchtowers that look out over Denver middle class suburbia, and a continuous entrance under a tent-like exterior frame. But those close to it are saying it is more of an eyesore than a testament to Denver, and Denver kicker Matt Prater, especially, was hugely depleted.

“Field goals are going to be more difficult, and punts virtually impossible,” Prater angrily said as he confronted the Broncos coaching staff. “You have to kick around almost a 90 degree area of a circle, keeping your kicks low, and even then the ceiling drops to a point where the ball will almost surely be knocked down.”

Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Broncos was none too happy either.

“This is the end of the ‘long bomb’. They’ve stretched the field, curved it, and let me tell you Jabar Gaffney is none too happy either.  I apologize on behalf of the Broncos to all fantasy football owners, and especially the fans of Denver,” Tebow said.

But Broncos players weren’t the only ones who were in dismay. Two days ago a letter from all 32 starting kickers in the league was sent to commissioner Roger Goodell, and Broncos owner Pat Bowlen. In they complained of the variable ceiling heights, and curved field, and it’s impact on kickers.

“What we really have here are six putting greens tied to each other by a rental tent,” said Nate Kaeding, kicker for the Chargers. “I will have to play there often, eventually everyone will have to play there, and it’s not good for our stats, and certain devalues kickers in all fantasy formats as well.”

Architects from DOK defended themselves saying the new stadium will take some getting used to, but what it adds to the sophisticated landscape of Denver will more than outweigh ‘any heady kicking issues’.

Tom Paul Thong, Sr. Architect for DOK said, “There’s nothing wrong with this stadium. The fact is it was cheap to build, easy to erect, and has a lifespan of ten years, so if people don’t like what they see they have nothing to worry about. It will crumble automatically in a decade.

Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Dolphins, said the Denver stadium has inspired him to remake his stadium into the shape of an adobe pueblo.

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MAN PULLED UNDERGROUND BY DAVID BOSTON

TARZANA, CA- After having gone missing for three days Lou Pinderbine tried to convince family and friends that one of his ex-fantasy football wide receivers, David Boston, had violently pulled him off his nature hike into an underground bodega where Boston has purportedly been hiding for the past couple years.

“Being taken hostage by a receiver you dumped into free agency years ago is total hell. You have no idea how strange it was down there,” said Pinderbine, who turned 39 the day he was abducted.
Pinderbine describes the underground tunnel system, which Boston claims to have burrowed single- handedly, as ‘the strangest shrine to David Boston/Salamancan wine cellar you have ever seen.’

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just a day trip. In fact it was fairly interesting,” Lou said. “But Boston actually lives down there, and between the lack of adequate facilities, and shavings from his gingko wood carvings it just smelled unbelievably bad.”

Pinderbine said he saw nothing out of the ordinary coming that day, his birthday. He had completely forgotten about ever having Boston on his fantasy roster. After being pulled through a trap door into the subterrean refuge of Boston, Lou said he thought he might never see the light of day again.

“I asked him if I could leave,” Lou said, “but he didn’t acknowledge me, almost seeming bitter as we ate a light dinner of bread and lentil soup. It was like he was trying to prove a very subtle point- to have respected him more when he played. I tried to appease him as we washed dishes, explaining that at the time I thought I had better choices when I dumped him into the free agent pool. He didn’t seem to understand. All I heard was David mumbling surly remarks under his breath.”

Worse still, after Pinderbine convinced Boston to let him go the story of his capture fell on deaf ears with his neighbors, even his family.

“Lou has an active imagination,” his wife Kathy, said. “He always talks about one of his former fantasy team players coming after him. I didn’t believe it- until a friend of ours produced the photograph.”

Jason Belding was along for the hike with Lou, and snapped the photograph just as Pinderbine was being hauled underground. “I was so scared I just ran away”, Belding said. I figured if I told anybody they would think I’m crazy, so I just shut it. When Lou reappeared I breathed a big sigh of relief, and handed my photo over to him.”

“I didn’t appreciate my best friend not telling anyone I was abducted on my birthday, but thank God everything turned out okay,” Pinderbine says. “Jason and I will still be buddies, but I’m never walking through that stretch of forest again.”

Lou is at home resting with his family.

Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds

BOSTON- In a recently released study by the Fantasy Sports Examination Institute (FSEI) researchers have found that most men would rather win their leagues than make their wildest dreams come true. Conversely, by not winning their championships the shame and stress resulting from not being dominant in their league is worse than having their greatest dreams not come true.

The respondents from a double blind study over a three year period cited the stress from not making the fantasy playoffs was worse than the stress of getting a pay cut, having a wife cheat on them, or having their dreams of success in life come to a screeching halt.

One man from Davis, California said, “If my real dreams don’t come true I can live with that in a way. I’m used to being an average Joe. But god dammit why I didn’t start DeAngelo Williams last week! Now that’s a real killer. I give up - on everything, literally.”

Another man from the Virginia says, “There is no question I can live on this earth without achieving some kind of fantasy life. But never winning my league? Wow, I couldn’t imagine how much that would suck. I’ve gotta find a way to win next year.”

For men who take their fantasy misfortunes too seriously help may be on the way. Psychologists say there are easy ways to improve your team by adhering to deeper principles than most other coaches.

“One of those is the Rule of 370- this can help you avoid backs who will get injured the following season,” said Mary Linton, lead researcher of the study. “You can also be careful with the way you draft split time backs. Both of these tools can help any errant fantasy football coach improve his draft strategy for next year.”

One final way to deal with the stress from fantasy football is to leave the game, and leave your league altogether. Yet despite this clear option not one participant in the study ever did so no matter how hopeless their fantasy football season had become.

“It must be some survival thing,” Linton said. “Evolution has a way of making all of us claw through the impossible. It’s amazing.”

Photo Provided By T.D. Reamon

Antonio Pierce-LB-Giants

Antonio Pierce’s lawyer claims that Pierce thought the gun he was handed the night of Plaxico Burress’ self shooting was a water gun. “He just thought Plaxico was joking around. If he had known the little gun he was handed was a real gun he would have run like the devil. You guys are making a big thing out of nothing, believe me. These guys are pulling pranks on each other all the time,” Antonio’s lawyer said. The lawyer, Mev Carnidle, then started to squirt New York reporters in the face to make his point, and ask if anyone in the crowd had ever had their car impounded. “Huh?”

Tom Coughlin-C-Giants

The New York Giants coach has told management that he is ready to ‘give up’ after the hooplah surrounding Plaxico Burress, Ahmad Bradshaw, and Antonio Pierce. “We go 11-1, and are the team of destiny, and now this,” Coughlin was heard saying, “I just can’t take it anymore. I tried to be nice to these guys, and now look. If I have to keep being nice I’m gonna quit the whole damn thing. Yeah, I’m ready to throw in the towel, wouldn’t you be?”

Carson Palmer To Change Name To ‘Vince’ Or ‘Eddie’

CINCINNATI- News from inside Carson Palmer’s inner circle suggests the battered and much maligned quarterback is considering changing his name to improve the Bengals’ chances of winning the Superbowl next year. Friends say Palmer realized last Saturday that his ’soft’ first name doesn’t help his leadership in the locker room, or on the field. He told friends that he is considering a tougher name to ‘engender the kind of discipline and winning spirit we need on this team’.

“He knows darn well it’s really tough to respect a leader named Carson”, long time friend Rocky Smith said. “And he blames the Bengals’ dismal season mostly on this fact. He never liked his name, and it’s understandable. When you say Carson you think wussy boy.”

Detractors feel that Palmer shouldn’t adopt a new moniker citing the all time wussy boy name, Peyton, as in Peyton Manning, and his success.

“It doesn’t matter,” Palmer’s agent said recently. “Sure some guys have wussy boy names and can lead a team. But I think Carson knows that guys just can’t stand his name, and won’t follow his lead as long as he has it. It’s that simple.”

Palmer has wittled the field down to Vince and Eddie for now, leaning towards Eddie in recent days. He says he will make his decision in the off season. Bengals are hopeful that this will counter the Chad Ocho Cinco embarassment which hurt team morale, and create a new winning environment for the Bengals.

One fan, Drake Breakstone said, “I think he’s doing the right thing. We need something to mix things up around here, and without coaching, good draft picks, a decent schedule, and a team in disarray this might just be the ticket. I’m all for ready for Eddie.”

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Plaxico Burress-WR-Giants

Plaxico Burress turned himself into authorities on Monday. Burress is expected to plead not guilty to criminal possession of a deadly weapon. This is the normal protocol to follow after shooting oneself in the leg after criminally possessing a deadly weapon. Burress was seen walking without crutches to the police station, and then walking with crutches into a strip bar, presumably for the pity factor.

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