Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds

FANTASY FOOTBALL NEWS - RON DAYNE RALLY

MAN PULLED UNDERGROUND BY DAVID BOSTON

TARZANA, CA- After having gone missing for three days Lou Pinderbine tried to convince family and friends that one of his ex-fantasy football wide receivers, David Boston, had violently pulled him off his nature hike into an underground bodega where Boston has purportedly been hiding for the past couple years.

“Being taken hostage by a receiver you dumped into free agency years ago is total hell. You have no idea how strange it was down there,” said Pinderbine, who turned 39 the day he was abducted.
Pinderbine describes the underground tunnel system, which Boston claims to have burrowed single- handedly, as ‘the strangest shrine to David Boston/Salamancan wine cellar you have ever seen.’

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just a day trip. In fact it was fairly interesting,” Lou said. “But Boston actually lives down there, and between the lack of adequate facilities, and shavings from his gingko wood carvings it just smelled unbelievably bad.”

Pinderbine said he saw nothing out of the ordinary coming that day, his birthday. He had completely forgotten about ever having Boston on his fantasy roster. After being pulled through a trap door into the subterrean refuge of Boston, Lou said he thought he might never see the light of day again.

“I asked him if I could leave,” Lou said, “but he didn’t acknowledge me, almost seeming bitter as we ate a light dinner of bread and lentil soup. It was like he was trying to prove a very subtle point- to have respected him more when he played. I tried to appease him as we washed dishes, explaining that at the time I thought I had better choices when I dumped him into the free agent pool. He didn’t seem to understand. All I heard was David mumbling surly remarks under his breath.”

Worse still, after Pinderbine convinced Boston to let him go the story of his capture fell on deaf ears with his neighbors, even his family.

“Lou has an active imagination,” his wife Kathy, said. “He always talks about one of his former fantasy team players coming after him. I didn’t believe it- until a friend of ours produced the photograph.”

Jason Belding was along for the hike with Lou, and snapped the photograph just as Pinderbine was being hauled underground. “I was so scared I just ran away”, Belding said. I figured if I told anybody they would think I’m crazy, so I just shut it. When Lou reappeared I breathed a big sigh of relief, and handed my photo over to him.”

“I didn’t appreciate my best friend not telling anyone I was abducted on my birthday, but thank God everything turned out okay,” Pinderbine says. “Jason and I will still be buddies, but I’m never walking through that stretch of forest again.”

Lou is at home resting with his family.

Donovan McNabb-QB-Eagles

Extremely windy conditions are expected in Giants stadium on Sunday leading Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb to buy a box of kites for teammates and coaches alike. “If it’s going to be that windy during the game I see no reason why we shouldn’t take advantage of those conditions and really try to push the ‘outer limits’ of the hobby we enjoy most. It’s not every day this happens. The game can wait, but good kite flying cannot,” McNabb said.

Shaun Ellis-DL-Jets

Defensive lineman for the New York Jets, Shaun Ellis, was arrested for marijuana possession. Despite that he will amazingly play in Sunday’s game against San Francisco team doctors say. “We feel if Shaun is able to get a good buzz going before the game he might play at the highest level. In that effort we will have an ice bong out on the field so Shaun can get some tokes going before the game, and when he comes off the field,” Dr. Lou Canoli told reporters.

Hines Ward Has To Keep His Hands Golden

Stress From Fantasy Football Equivalent To Stress From ‘Not Making My Dreams Come True’, Only Worse Study Finds

BOSTON- In a recently released study by the Fantasy Sports Examination Institute (FSEI) researchers have found that most men would rather win their leagues than make their wildest dreams come true. Conversely, by not winning their championships the shame and stress resulting from not being dominant in their league is worse than having their greatest dreams not come true.

The respondents from a double blind study over a three year period cited the stress from not making the fantasy playoffs was worse than the stress of getting a pay cut, having a wife cheat on them, or having their dreams of success in life come to a screeching halt.

One man from Davis, California said, “If my real dreams don’t come true I can live with that in a way. I’m used to being an average Joe. But god dammit why I didn’t start DeAngelo Williams last week! Now that’s a real killer. I give up - on everything, literally.”

Another man from the Virginia says, “There is no question I can live on this earth without achieving some kind of fantasy life. But never winning my league? Wow, I couldn’t imagine how much that would suck. I’ve gotta find a way to win next year.”

For men who take their fantasy misfortunes too seriously help may be on the way. Psychologists say there are easy ways to improve your team by adhering to deeper principles than most other coaches.

“One of those is the Rule of 370- this can help you avoid backs who will get injured the following season,” said Mary Linton, lead researcher of the study. “You can also be careful with the way you draft split time backs. Both of these tools can help any errant fantasy football coach improve his draft strategy for next year.”

One final way to deal with the stress from fantasy football is to leave the game, and leave your league altogether. Yet despite this clear option not one participant in the study ever did so no matter how hopeless their fantasy football season had become.

“It must be some survival thing,” Linton said. “Evolution has a way of making all of us claw through the impossible. It’s amazing.”

Photo Provided By T.D. Reamon

Williamses-DL-Vikings

Both Pat and Kevin Williams have been granted a restraining order against the NFL for using the water pills, Skycaps. This means they both could play the rest of the season. The NFL asked for an immediate hearing, but the judge, who is a shareholder in Skycaps said, “Roger Goodell, just go get a life.” Both Williams sent the judge gifts of a fruit basket and essential oils for his help with their case.
This news is breaking, and will be updated daily as this situation unfolds. For now expect the Williams to crush director of Clerks, Kevin Smith, this Sunday.

Jeremy Kapinos-P-Packers

Asked what he expects from new punter Jeremy Kapinos, coach Mike McCarthy said, “I expect him to show up, I expect him to kick the ball in the right direction, not too drink too much of the Gatorade, leave the other guys room on the bench to sit, and wash his own uniform. This is clearly a huge acquisition for the spiraling Packers.

Pat and Kevin Williams-DL-Vikings

Pat Williams and his ‘brother’ Kevin will file an injunction to avoid being suspended during the season for violating the water pill policy which both did not know about. If both are out, the Minnesota rush defense will take a severe hit to the benefit of fantasy owners who have Kevin Smith, Tim Hightower, Michael Turner, and the combo of Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs in coming weeks. These owners are highly inclined to want the Williams Wall to crumble. Said one Kevin Smith owner, “This is better than the fall of the Berlin Wall as far as I’m concerned. I’m almost in the playoffs. Thank God for water pills!”

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