Ben Roethlisberger-QB- Steelers

Ben Roethlisberger, after completely a psychological evaluation this week, could return to Steelers practice within a week.  Until then Byron Leftwich is getting a majority of the snaps.  Reportedly Big Ben has said that he has given up on gold diggers completely, focusing more on football, and blow up dolls which fit into a carry on.

Peyton Manning-QB-Colts

Reports have it that Peyton Manning’s new contract will be somewhere in the ‘100 million dollar neighborhood’.  Despite that Manning continues to live in subsidized housing in the most dangerous of Indianapolis when in town to protest the excess indulgence of the ‘uber wealthy’, he says.

Daunte Culpepper-QB-Lions

Daunte Culpepper is expected to sign with the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions.  After that he is expected to drink as much beer as his belly ‘can handle’ insiders report.  Culpepper has recently invested in a micro-brew company in Seattle.  They make Crummy Hands Ale and Silly Spinning Wrists Hefeweizen.

Romo Pilots Emergency Landing To Hometown Cheers

DALLAS- It was a scary few hours up in the air flying from Oklahoma City to Dallas. A plane carrying one hundred twenty nine passengers including Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo started having unindentifiable engine trouble about half way through the flight. When both the pilot and first officer passed out drunk from drinking too many little Drambuie bottles, Romo, who was flirting with one of the stewardesses, came to the rescue.

“He said he had never flown a plane before,” lead flight attendant Lily Markham said, “but he was a master in the cockpit. I could tell he felt so at home. Once he stabilized the aircraft I made an announcement that everything was okay.”

Rich Bangers, former accountant at Bears Stearns said, “The coach passengers started going into hysterics when she announced that Tony Romo was flying the plane. People started yelling, I saw several light up cigarettes, a college aged kid pulled out a bong, women were screaming that they would never see the View again, it was just terrible. One man got up and demanded to know if Jessica Simpson was the co-pilot. The flight attendant told him to hold back on the attitude. I never want to go through that madness again.”

Airline officials said that Romo stepped in, and did exactly what was instructed. He eventually got the plane into auto-pilot, and sailed through the air for approximately two hours.

“The challenging part was the approach,” FAA spokesman Kent Graham said. “It’s not that we doubted Tony’s confidence, but many in traffic control left their posts to watch the crash landing. They were told by higher ups there didn’t have to be a crash landing, and several were ordered back to their seats to tell Tony what to do.”

Romo admitted he got some jitters as he neared the runway, but once he saw the bright yellow banners people on the ground had made, ‘Go Romo’, and ‘Nail It’, he felt a lot better. Crowds had gathered around Dallas-Ft. Worth International, and were cheering the quarterback on.

“You know home or away I feel confident, but there’s nothing like a cheering hometown crowd to give you that extra boost. I couldn’t let them down,” Romo said. “I just kept thinking about the big Monday night game we just had too. It got my mind off the immediate stress of having to land an MD-80.”

Romo landed the plane cleanly to a thunder of applause. He walked off the plane like he walked on it. No word on why the Dallas quarterback was in Oklahoma City.

Photo Courtesy of Icon SMI

Griese Says He Can Play QB In Superbowl If Needed

TAMPA- Not understanding he would play no part in the Superbowl, Tampa Bay reserve quarterback Brian Griese offered up his services to helm either the Steelers or the Cardinals in the event they needed a quarterback in the big game. Griese told reporters he was excited the game was in Tampa, and said it would probably be only fair anyway that he got a shot to throw a few balls in the game.

“You never know what’s going to happen. There could be injuries. And I’ll be waiting for the big call,” Griese said. “That’s the advantage of being right here in Tampa during the game. I’m available. If they need me I can help. It’s the kind of man I am- a helpful one. I am suspecting I’ll get at least quarter of play if either team is behind.”

Griese added that his unique style of play, an underhanded throwing style, could be the key to victory for either team.

“Right now I haven’t gotten much feedback from the coaches,” added Griese, “but just wait until things get tough, and I think you’ll see the response to my unique throwing strategy more highly valued. I am already guessing that if Kurt Warner isn’t up to snuff Ken Whisenhunt will be looking for a creative strategy in accomplishing his goals. As I said, I’m available. I think it helps both teams that I’m right here in Tampa. It will make their choice a lot easier when they get to the point where they need a fill-in superstar quarterback.”

Griese said he would prepare for the Superbowl in Lamier Park in Tampa over the next two weeks, throwing balls to his cousin Ernie.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Kurt Warner-QB-Cardinals

Sure handed Kurt Warner has been praying daily for salvation in this weeks battle against the lofty Carolina Panthers. Warner is aware that Carolina’s defense is far better than Arizona’s, and is praying that his passes ‘complete in holy union’ with Steve Breaston and unnamed tight ends if Anquan Boldin is unable to start. Wife Brenda was seen at his side mumbling, and decorating a Pentecostal victory cake for the team.

Jeff Garcia Misses Mexican Food

Jason Campbell-QB-Redskins

Quarterback of the Washington Redskins Jason Campbell was criticized this weekend by Washington sports writers for not completing any passes more than 30 yards since week 8. Campbell replied to the media on Monday saying he was not a ‘long pass elitist’. “The bomb pass is a conceit of old, and I shall not adhere to constructs of a time long passed,” Campbell said.

Donovan McNabb-QB-Eagles

Extremely windy conditions are expected in Giants stadium on Sunday leading Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb to buy a box of kites for teammates and coaches alike. “If it’s going to be that windy during the game I see no reason why we shouldn’t take advantage of those conditions and really try to push the ‘outer limits’ of the hobby we enjoy most. It’s not every day this happens. The game can wait, but good kite flying cannot,” McNabb said.

Jay Cutler On Philip Rivers

Next Page »