Hines Ward-WR-Steelers

Hines Ward was seen smiling during practice as he prepared for the Superbowl. He said he experienced no fall out from the injury he suffered during the AFC championship game. “I’m a little bit gimpy today, but just see if any injury is going to affect my play on game day,” Ward said. “When you have a smile like mine, you get through anything.” Most experts don’t doubt Wards claims especially after seeing him rip off his arm and reattach it during yesterday’s practice all the while laughing.

Mason Will Play Despite Being Heckled By ‘ExtenZe’ Lady

BALTIMORE- It came as complete shock to Baltimore Ravens veteran wide receiver Derrick Mason when he was being yelled at by the hostess of the ExtenZe infomercials during Friday’s practice. Mason said he was called ‘useless stubby’, ‘midget wiener’, and ‘little pee pee pants’ by the low grade actress/host for the fake male enhancement drug which Mason admits has sold millions.

“I know have my fans and my enemies, but the crude language that came out of that party ho’s mouth was so offensive I felt angry. I was just thinking ‘Oh no you didn’t!’,” Mason told the ailing Baltimore Sun.

Mason refused to yell back at the low self-esteemed hostess, instead staring in disbelief. About a minute into her rant Mason decided the only way to combat the dong crazed female was to play on Sunday even with a knee injury and shoulder problem.

“You know I haven’t really practiced fully all week,” Mason told reporters, “but this chick has made me realize that I have to play. I’m gonna start this Sunday to combat her hate for men like me. Men’s genitalia should never be publicly outed by loose women in the stands before a playoff game. Especially if the date didn’t go that well, and you don’t really care about them in the first place.”

No indications whether the male enhancement hostess will be at Sunday’s playoff game to heckle Mason more. Joe Flacco, the Ravens’ quarterback, and Mason’s friend was unavailable for comment.

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Derrick Mason-WR-Ravens

Derrick Mason did not practice Wednesday in preparation for the AFC Championship game this weekend. Mason instead watched his favorite movies “Annie Hall”, “Battleship Potemkin”, and “You’ve Got Mail.”

“When I was a kid I used to love the triple feature,” Mason said. The movies are a great way to escape reality and live in entirely new worlds for a few hours. And it doesn’t get any better than this triple threat. I may take tomorrow off too. There’s a Norah Efron night on TBS which I don’t want to miss.”

No seriously, we like Derrick Mason.

Vincent Jackson-WR-Vikings

Vince Jackson had his second DUI arrest in as many years Tuesday morning. Whether this boxes him out the game is yet to be seen. Chargers coach Norv Turner said that he and Jackson will discuss disciplinary action today, and the decision on how to deal with this whole fiasco will be taken care of in house. Meanwhile Jackson is proud that he got most of his drinks on the house Monday evening.

Santana Moss: I Am Fantasy Gold You Know It

WASHINGTON D.C.- Wide receiver of the Washington Redskins, Santana Moss admits that he has really come into his own as a fantasy wide receiver. He told friends over lunch on Thursday that he believes he’ll be the #1 wide receiver this coming year.

“I feel l like fantasy gold,” said Moss, “and I know with the emergence of Jason Campbell I’ll be the first receiver picked in most 09 drafts. Can you feel me baby huh? I am the one to target, not only on the field, but in the fantasy draft in all of y’alls fantasy leagues.”

When word got out to Terrell Owens and Randy Moss that Santana had made these claims each of the two underperforming wide stars chose not to comment.

“Yeah, you see how they’re not disputing my fantasy stardom? That’s because they know what time it is. It’s Santana time,” the Redskins receiver said as he ate chips in his living room. “Yeah, my time has come. Gold is good right now, and Santana is some gold on the rise.”

Antwaan Randle El refused phone calls from reporters.

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Jason Witten-TE-Cowboys

Jason Witten told reporters Friday he is concerned about how effective Jason Witten can be this Sunday with his sprained ankle. Witten said his ankle was functional, but that he, Jason Witten, was worried about pounding it during a game. Witten referred to himself in the third person constantly throughout the meeting saying ‘Jason Witten will decide if Jason Witten plays, or the team will decide if Jason Witten plays. Either way a decision about Witten has to be made’.

T.O. Losing It: The Instant Classic Revisited

Hines Ward Has To Keep His Hands Golden

Josh Morgan-Wr-49ers

Mike Singletary was not optimistic about Josh Morgan playing this week due to an ‘undisclosed’ groin injury. Morgan was apparently competing too vigorously at an Atari tournament, and dislocated his pelvis in the middle of a heated Asteroids game. He then went onto throw out his hip and pull the left part of his groin in the championship game of a Missile Command tourney. Morgan had no comment, but was sporting a Centipede t shirt after team meetings.

Stallworth Will Drive Taxicab, Open Pet Store Next Year

CLEVELAND- In a disappointing season after being acquired as a free agent by the Cleveland Browns, wide receiver Donte Stallworth and his agent announced that Donte will leave the organization next year to pursue ‘free lance businesses’, including opening a pet store and driving a taxicab in the New Orleans area.

“I have always loved pet stores and taxicabs,” Stallworth said, “And now that I really suck at football I think it’s high time I spend my life doing what I love most - that is, being around taxicabs and pet stores, pets, and cabs.”

Those close to Stallworth say the receiver was furious when long time rival Syndric Steptoe surpassed him on the depth chart at wide receiver.

“That made his decision final,” said Jamal Lewis who will take fifty percent ownership of the pet store, PetMeNow, which Stallworth has started. “Donte has been thinking about shifting his career track for a long time, and it’s good to see he has finally dropped the hammer on football.”

Stallworth’s feud with Steptoe has been a drama inside the locker room for months. But with Donte’s departure Mr. Steptoe feels he will have a chance to perform at the highest level.

“When we were in the middle of games Donte would always be talking about how much he liked taxicabs, and frankly it was distracting. I’m trying to concentrate on my routes, and he’s jabbering in my ear all game about the fare meters and lighted signs he sees online and at trade shows,” Steptoe confided in a recent interview. “I’m so glad he is off to pursue what he loves most.”

Stallworth’s agent said the receiver has recently purchased a Smart car and minivan, both of which will form the core of his new hired car business in the lower ninth ward. His girlfriend Bonita is seeing other men.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

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