Marshawn Lynch-RB- Bills

Bills running back Marshawn Lynch has announced that he will be attending OTA’s sometime soon, probably within a week.  ”As soon as I get my fill of beer over the next few days, and get that videogame ‘jones’ outta my system, believe me, I’ll be ready to rumble.”  Lynch added that he gets ‘more focused and stuff’ after polishing off a frig full of Samuel Adams Summer Pumpkin Ale, and an ‘all-nighter’ of Asteroids.

LeRon McClain-RB- Ravens

LeRon Mcclain’s campaign on Twitter to see more playing time has drawn attention from various camps. Coaches are still laughing at the fact that he calls it ‘tweeter’, and Ray Rice has purchased a 3X T-shirt which McClain is selling, using it as a towel after practices.

LenDale White-RB- Seahawks

Portly Lendale White is the current choice to start at runningback for the Hawks.  With Justin Forsett and Julius Jones in the mix Seattle appears to be building a team which might have chances to be sponsored by a local used car dealership, and the local franchise of Dunkin Donuts.

Tim Hightower-RB-Cardinals

Tim Hightower has reportedly changed agents from Edward Johnson to Paul Lawrence.  ”I just like the way Paul talks to me, the way he negotiates, and his hair is just stunning,” Hightower reported to the Arizona Gazette.

Man Regrets Tattoo of Ex-Running Back

GAITHERSBURG, MD- A decade ago a Delaware fantasy coach started Skip Hicks of the Washington Redskins, a free agent pick up the week before, and Hicks paid off in spades. Lonnie Avery says that day was really special for his fantasy football team.

“I thought I had discovered gold with Hicks,” Lonnie says, “When Skip rumbled into the end zone three times that day I was walking on air. He gave me a certain confidence about my fantasy skills, and a sense that my team could do anything. .”

Lonnie was so thrilled by his new found power back that he decided to get the player’s face inscribed on his arm.

“At the time I really felt like I ‘wanted to represent’,” Lonnie said.

Lonnie took a friend to the local tattoo parlor, and plastered an image of Hicks over the barbed wire design he had gotten just a few months before. He says at the time the tattoo cost $175, and took eight hours to finish. When he first saw it on his arm he was beaming with pride. Now, ten years later, he has thought twice about the whole decision.

“I might have jumped the gun with Hicks,” Lonnie said. “I never really saw him produce much after that game. I think I started him eight more times after that, and just nothing. It’s easy if you’re green to get excited about your fantasy player when they do well. Now, I know better, but at the time I guess I was like a lot of guys in my league. It was also probably a mistake to get my girlfriend at the time, Bonnie, to get the same tattoo.”

Avery is considering getting both the barbed wire and Hicks tattoo removed, but he says other priorities may derail that plan.

“Well, I have a Patrick Ramsey face inked on my inner thigh which I probably dislike even more, so that is probably the first to go. It’s just all a mess right now,” Lonnie lamented. “I’ve learned my lesson, and hope that by sharing my story I can help other fantasy owners avoid this type of tragedy.”

Avery offered no information on whether ex-girlfriend Bonnie has removed her Skip Hicks etching.

Brian Westbrook-RB-Eagles

Brian Westbrook has kept silent during the post-season avoiding reporters and wishing to remain behind the scenes as he prepares for the NFC Championship game. When asked if he had any reservations for this upcoming game Westbrook wouldn’t answer, only later whispering in a low voice to teammates, “Reservations for four in the endzone.”

SHANAHAN OPENS SPORTS MANICURE CENTER

DENVER- Upon being let go from the Denver Broncos Mike Shanahan announced plans to help running backs around the league and athletes of all types improve their ball handling techniques through improved finger nimbleness.

“A big part of holding the rock in football is coarse hands, calluses, even corns,” Shanahan said. “Through improved mobility of the fingers we can achieve tighter grips on the ball for all running backs, and that’s what ‘Shanahands’ is all about.”

The coach said the sports manicure center will feature manicurists who bathe, dip, and scrub every part of an athlete’s rough hand, pushing back cuticle, and trimming unwanted skin and nail. They even have a Palmolive hand jacuzzi for excessive workman like digits.

“When customers leave here we want their hands to feel like a baby’s. Our focus is running back hands, but we also service basketball, baseball, hockey, and golf players,” said general manager Sonny “Daddyfingers” Esperanto. “We don’t care if the athlete or wanna be athlete comes in here with sausage sized fingers with nails the thickness of drywall. After our hot lavender hand spa and kelp relaxation scrubs they’ll walk out of here feeling like they’re ready for the workout of their lives. Get on the field boys you’ve got hot hands!”

Shanahan’s public relations spokesperson said the former Denver coach plans on visiting the twenty locations in the Denver area personally to ensure customer service and quality control is at its finest. As ‘Shanahands’ branches out into other cities Mike will ’stay a little hands off’ the spokesperson said.

“After all he is looking for a new job,” the spokesperson said.

Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Ladanian Tomlinson-RB-Chargers

LT (groin) is virtually certain to be absent against Pittsburgh’s stout defense this weekend. Team officials say that tiny Darren Sproles will start. Most of the officials had to hide their cheek to cheek smiles when they announced this so as not to insult their veteran running back. Sproles was seen practicing earlier the day strengthening his legs, jumping through the field goal uprights.

DeAngelo Williams-RB-Panthers

Asked by reporters how he has been able to fare so well this year when in previous years he has been a relative disappointment, DeAngelo Williams seemed embarrassed. “Frankly, I was just holding back,” the running back said. “I knew I was the number one running back in the league, but I just didn’t want nobody to know. I thought I would surprise everyone this year. Surprise!”

Reggie Bush-RB-Saints

The New Orleans Saints have placed Reggie Bush on injured reserve ending his season. If you are thinking of freezing Bush don’t unless you want to have your heart broken multiple times like during games this year. Then again statistics indicated that 9/10 fantasy football coaches entertain freezing players who will ultimately break their hearts. Good luck.

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