KELLEN WINSLOW’S SECRET INJURY FINALLY REVEALED!

CLEVELAND - Over a month after being admitted to a Cleveland area clinic for a mysterious injury, Kellen Winslow has finally come clean about the cause of his much-publicized ailment.

“It wasn’t really a staph infection - I made that up because so many other guys got it, and what happened to me was really embarrassing,” said Winslow, “but the reports about swollen balls were pretty close to the truth.”

“I hurt my groin playing buck buck,” Winslow admitted.

On the evening of October 8th, Winslow engaged in a violent and excessively rough game of ‘buck buck’, a game unfamiliar to many. Players divide into two teams. The first team lines up single file, and each player bends down and hugs the waist of the player in front of him to form a “horse”.

The second team sends its players, one at a time, running up to the ‘horse’, and they leap on top of the other team’s players in an effort to knock them down or make them collapse.

Apparently Winslow’s turn to leap onto the ‘horse’ ended in excruciating pain.

“I was buck buck number four, and the guy before me landed about halfway up on the horse. My jump was far better than his, but as I flew over him he raised his head to look up, and his face was in a very poor position. My groin and his face viciously crunched together…then in my weakened state I forgot to put myself in a safe landing position, and my groin was crushed for a second time upon impact with the players below,” Winslow said.

With the help of his teammates he was able to return home, only to find his groin in complete disarray. No amount of ice would stop the swelling. On October 9th Mr. Winslow visited team doctors who explained to him that his groin was ‘totally nasty’, and was going to require ’someone else to look at it’. The next day Kellen reported to the Cleveland Clinic where he stayed for three nights under the watchful care of several doctors.

“It was brutal,” reported one anonymous physician, “I’ve never seen swelling like that. The grapefruit rumors…totally false. This was worse. We seriously thought about deflating his oysters, but we really didn’t want to know what was in there. Of course we took pictures, and they’re available for the right price.”

Reports indicate that Winslow will be back in action this week ‘full force’, but recent practice photos show he is wearing a second athletic supporter outside his uniform to provide extra protection for his aching crotch.

Contributed by Doug Walters, The Football Professor
Photo Courtesy Icon SMI

Jeremy Shockey-TE-Saints

Jeremy Shockey is out 4-6 weeks with a sports hernia injury which has bothered him for some time. He will have surgery later this week. During his time off Shockey says he will spend more time learning the Saints’ playbook, play checkers, and laugh at Billy Miller while he plays tight end. It’s fun to be Jeremy Shockey.

Jeremy Shockey Screams

Chris Cooley-TE-Redskins

Chris Cooley caught one pass for seven yards in Thursday’s night game against the Giants, disappointing fantasy owners. Reporters who caught up with Cooley after the game said he wasn’t worried because he didn’t draft himself on his own fantasy team. “I have Jason Witten. Are you kidding?” Maybe a little bit too much fantasy eh Chris? No, we love Chris.

Washington Redskins and Chris Cooley Play Fantasy!!

Tony Gonzalez Suspended As Video Resurfaces

KANSAS CITY, KS- Tony Gonzales, star tight end of the Kansas City Chiefs was suspended by the NFL today after the video below resurfaced after months of no one looking at it. Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL said Gonzales’ performance in the SciFi channel show A.I. Assault, first airing in 2007, was typical ‘football player acting’, and didn’t represent the NFL, Gonzalez, or the Kansas City Chiefs well.

Gonzalez is very well liked by fans and coaches alike, but that didn’t matter to Goodell who said, “Long gone are the days of Mike Ditka, Terry Bradshaw, and Brett Favre just showing up on set. I want to see a real performance from Gonzalez, darn it. I know he’s capable of it. Just getting by saying lines without infusing real emotional grit isn’t going to cut it. I expect more from a pro like him. I mean Tony plays opposite George Takei of Star Trek fame, and he just mails it in? I couldn’t believe it.”

Several teammates disagreed saying they thought Gonzales’ onscreen portrayal of an airplane co-pilot being attacked by a spider like replicant was very realistic.

“When he was shooting his gun it sure looked like he was angry. I actually got scared,” said Gonzales’ longtime friend and teammate running back Larry Johnson. “Personally I think George Takei was the one who looked silly when he reacted to the murderous creature, not Tony.”

But Goodell disagreed.

“The part when the long robotic arachnid-like arm creature choked Gonzales at the door of the cockpit was completely unbelievable! I mean c’mon if Gonzales had given it something a little bit more - a scream, even an aargh I would have been far more impressed, and this unfortunate performance probably wouldn’t have resulted in his four game suspension.”

Gonzales’ agent was not available for comment.